Got you in my soul & system

2011-06-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

yesterday Jin and Ae and I were talking about Naomi (from the Bible) and how at first she was so upset at God, after moving to an abundant land to escape famine, she ended up the only survivor in her family. She blamed God and called herself bitter. So the question was, when we feel angry at God, are we comfortable enough to express this to God and each other.

All of us sheepishly answered no, not really. I mean, all of us had felt upset with God in recent days and weeks. We are all in the same very small house church and see each other and talk about God every day. So why does it still feel so secret and personal and embarrassing to unveil what we are really thinking towards the Lord?

2011-06-25T03:14:00.000-07:00

Our house church is hitting a particularly lovely stride. The relationships among us are life-giving and generously opened out to others. Last week, Bu came to visit our home group after her good friend Ae told her about God over a period of many months, as Bu opened up more and more about her struggles and Ae opened up about hers and about the Lord’s help. Shortly after she walked in, her baby started crying and Duke, Jin, and Ae scrambled to put together a make-shift hammock for the little one. It was cool to see everyone working together to welcome someone, but this is now what we regularly see.

Last week, on her one evening off, Mother Duke suggested to everyone in the church (Michelle and I weren’t around) that they all pile into a taxi and pool their money to go visit a family in a neighboring province… This family came to our church camp last month and decided to follow God there, but they are fairly isolated in a remote area in Bangkok’s outskirts. This is the second time she has initiated a visit out there, and it’s amazing to me that someone who works so hard (6 days a week, plus overtime) for so little money (about $240/month) would be so interested in sacrificing time, energy, and money to follow up with someone she barely knows—all for the sake of sharing in God’s love.

Last monday

2011-05-04T22:20:00.000-07:00

I listened to little Ice say that she wants to follow God here at 13 years old and thought, she has no idea what she's asking. She can't imagine the doubt and heartache and obstacles that life will throw at her in the coming years.

Dressed in her baptism gown along with her friends and the other new believers I was struck what a leap this is for everyone and how these young ones just do not know what the future will hold for them and God; they couldn't possibly be ready. But it doesn't matter. Looking back on my own life of faith since my infant baptism I can say one thing for sure, GOD is faithful. This commitment ceremony is a really beautiful promise between two: God and you and God himself will bless and honor it forever. How awesome:

The girls on their way to the ocean to get baptized and start a new life.

more ring drama

2011-04-28T22:39:00.000-07:00

When Rod proposed to me, the ring he had chosen did not fit. It was too big and so slipped off my finger easily when I washed my hands or showered or did dishes or anything... A dangerous situation in an active life.

So I went to Chinese gold shop to ask about getting it re-sized. He looked at it with his jewelers microscope, whatever that's called, and gave me good and bad news: The jewel (Burmese ruby) is real. But the silver is not. The ring was merely silver-plated and thus could not be cut and melded back together seamlessly.

The next day I took it to another jeweler who said he could resize it, but it would leave a mark-- the spot where the ring is fashioned back together is not as shiny as the rest of it.

Now with this ring on my finger, I like all the work that has surrounded it, the love Rod put into choosing it for me (in a color that I like so uniquely), the way that it wasn't quite right and needed adjustment and the adjustment shows, even the idea that the jewel is real and lovely but the ring itself is just ordinary-- A reminder of the precious faith and love that God has poured into us in our lives and in this marriage is like "treasure held in jars of clay"-- how could something so lovely be contained in something so imperfect and ordinary?

My ring, Rod's tat... God bless us!

2011-03-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Wow... I'm engaged. I keep looking at this lovely ring and marveling at what it all means; I can't say I comprehend it yet. The ring Rod chose for me is a round cut ruby on a silver band, and this morning I was fingering it as I read Scripture and prayed for us and our future identity as a couple.

One prayer that's been significant for me for years is Psalm 131, a prayer of humility and trust:
"My heart is not lifted up (or proud) ; my eyes are not raised too high for me.
I do not think on things too great or marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul.
Like a weaned child with its mother is my soul within me.
Like a weaned child I am content.
Oh Israel, trust in the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore."

As I feel so full of joy and peace I look around and see that marriage is so fragile, that we are so vulnerable stepping into the unknown together. As I pray for who we're going to be together I realize we don't have that much wisdom; we don't know what we're doing really (like my parents said, "Getting married is like jumping off a cliff... but it's a gamble you've got to take!") So this morning I was asking that God would bless us with wisdom from him, make our paths straight, estabilish us, all of that. This is what I read, from the third chapter of Proverbs, which I always thought went nicely with the psalm above:

"Do not be wise in your own eyes.
Fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
... Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding,
For she is more profitable than silver...
She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her."

So when I look at this ring and think about love and life together, I want to be thinking and praying about this too... If you think of us, please pray that God would bless us with a gift of wisdom.

2011-03-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

attending a neighborhood exercise group, I overheard a neighbor telling the visiting aerobics instructor, “Oh that white girl? No, she’s not a guest, she’s one of us! She just lives here, she’s lived here for many, many years.” A small dark thought arose in me: “I’m not the same! I am a successful college-educated person here to HELP you…” Almost instantly, my stomach turned. Who do I think that I am and why in the world would I feel the need to separate myself from my neighbors, especially as “above” them?? Ew. I immediately asked God’s forgiveness and then could see the sweetness and honor in my neighbors accepting comment.. and THEN i actually felt something a little bit like joy.

2011-03-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, a small group in Orange County, California donated some money for us to outfit our little slum youth center (which is also Jin’s house). We were excited to buy fans, a sink, a DVD player, etc. The day after Jin and Michelle returned from the store with the new DVD player (we had taken ours to her house and left it there for youth events), Jin spent the night with her brother in another part of the city. The next day, I got a phone call from a worried neighbor, saying that it looked like youth center had been broken into. Jin rushed home to find that both the new and old DVD players and her computer monitor had been stolen.
We soon found out that everyone knew who had done this. One of the kids who has been involved with our ministry from the beginning, a boy who, without attentive guardians of his own, has spent a good portion the last 7 years sleeping at the homes of various house church members… Just a month after his huge (church-hosted) 14th birthday party, he and two of his older friends broke into Jin’s house and stole this stuff.
At first I was shocked… and then so sad. I also felt irritated: I wanted my DVD player back! How foolish. To sell his spiritual health and his whole community who loves him for a DVD player? Because all of his peers (the other youth) knew about this, now he felt he had to make himself scarce and avoid everyone. For what? It reminded me of Esau, who trades his family blessing from God for a single meal!
However, suddenly I thought of myself. How many times have I compromised my own soul for much less than a DVD player? Stretched the truth just so that other people might think I’m cool? Refused to forgive someone straightaway because I wanted to feel like I was right?
All of a sudden the mercy of God struck me: God chooses to be good to the ones he loves. Constantly. Even when we make foolish, foolish choices that take us away from God. His posture towards is still this: goodness and love.
Jin, Michelle, and I discussed this matter and decided not to confront the boy, or talk to his mother, or ask for our stuff back. Instead we would seek out and take every opportunity to reassure him that he is welcome and we love him. We went to his motherss house and told her that we missed him. We have greeted him warmly and tried to engage in conversation when we run into him… he still hasn’t returned to any church activities or any church members’ house, but I can't stop thinking about how good God to us is when it doesn't look like anything... good to me, good to him, good to these other "hopeless cases" I see around me... we have a God who chases after us and, as the psalmist writes:
"Makes us lie down in green pastures, leads us beside quiet waters... Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." Why is this? "For his names sake."
Once God chooses to have mercy, he chooses to have mercy and he loves forever. If we are some of those lucky ones that have received God's grace, what choice to we have but to see others in this same boat of undeserved unrelenting love?

for Bangkok

2010-11-10T20:33:00.000-08:00

God, please give us your best!
That your grace would burst and spill out all over, like something embarrassing
Like parents with cowbells at a graduation ceremony
(or something like that).

2010-11-09T23:58:00.001-08:00

i like the heat around here when it feels like its coming off of your skin (rather than pressing in on you)
I like how expansive and droopy the trees are along the canal, and how just a few leaves have turned orange-- but everything else is still bright green like Bangkok should be.
I liked the face of the old man behind me on the boat, squinting as his fat wife slept on his shoulder. His wrinkles stretched all the way from the corner of his eye to his ear almost!
impressive.

"tis better to have loved and lost..."

2010-10-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

But IS it, guys, is it?? I've noticed that it is really, really hard (spiritually speaking) to be happy and have happiness taken away from you.

Yesterday our 90 yr old neighbor came over to talk and just wept and wept.

Some people haven't seen very much happiness in this life. Never had a stable home, or assurance of the next meal, or opportunity to thrive in their work, or friends... or just, you know, happiness.

But yesterday as I listened to her talk about her life and her kids and her grandkids and her past and death and everything... I suddenly thought, "Oh my gosh, she used to be happy."

What a crazy test for us! God is a God who gives and takes away... and gives again (but can we see it?) After great loss, are our eyes still turned to God? Is our heart still soft when there's nobody in the world who would blame you for getting hardened?

A few weeks ago I heard someone talk about getting older, aging AND God's seemingly contradictory promise of being made new, morning by morning. How can you expect newness when you're old?

This week I read about Michal, a princess who got to marry the dashing guy she loved, but then he left her! Then she found love again, someone who truly loved her... and she lost him. After all that pain something truly beautiful happened to her: the presence of God came to her house. And she couldn't see it. She was so blinded, she got angry instead.

I dreamt about Naomi, a woman who had a beautiful family, but witnessed the death of her husband and both children. Here is a woman changed her name to "Bitter", but in the end she let her whole life be turned around by God. In the end she wasn't bitter after all but soft-hearted.

My hope for my elderly neighbor, for me, for you~ that we'd be like Naomi. Maybe bitter in the moment but in the end, available.

September Inventory

2010-10-13T01:02:00.000-07:00

Wildlife in my house:

Captured
Mice- 2
Giant Spider*- 1
Frog- 1
Lizard- 1

Killed
Ants- Countless
Various sundry bugs (earwigs, termites, small spideys)- Countless
Paederus Beetle- 1. On my arm. Causing an acid burn very similar to the one pictured at the bottom of this post.

Ignored
Countless numbers of:
Cockroaches
Even more ants
Lizards
Frogs, Toads, and Bullfrogs
Some cats... (these usually run back out when they see us)

And two gassy roommates.

*pictures coming soon!

Ready... set...

2010-10-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

all the thrills and fun and goofiness of preparing for a race are fluttering around right now. It's SCHOOL BREAK time!!
And since God has been doing SO much in the hearts of the teenagers around us-
Doy decided to follow God two weeks ago! Oy finally overcame her fear of water to be baptized and has since been asking some fascinating questions about God. Em is desperately trying to break his drug addiction so he can come back and follow the God that he loves and got so close to last year. Mu is quietly wondering what her identity really is. Day asked how he could learn more about baptism and God answered our prayer about letting him stay in the community. Dew is still figuring out what kind of person she's going to be but is so excited about coming to the youth camp (which is basically a short missions trip to the north of Thailand)...
I can't express in anecdotes how precious these kids are. (do i even know? probably not the half of it. but i get a little piece) Nor can i describe the sense of moral and love-fueled responsibility to them, to be friends and guides toward a great God. Of our little group of young believers, exactly half do not have any guardians living with them; their parents are not in the picture and no other relative has stepped in. And here they are with their wacky humor and half-formed talents and cool t-shirts and bottomless appetites (at least when it comes to chips and soda) and weird hormones and HUGE questions about God and this real core of sweetness...

Anyways, they are just cool people to be around. And during the October school break we are going to spend as much focused time with them as we can... starting:
~ a new youth Bible study/game night on Thursdays
~ meals and outings together (so far we've hit up ice cream shop, an amusement park, a hot pot buffet, and a free water park.)
~ English study and games on Monday and Thursday during the break
~ and we'll continue to see how the organizing goes...

Stay tuned for updates... :-)

on the prowl... for Jesus

2010-09-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

(this blog post was suggested by my friend Amy)

So every day, someone asks me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"

I always get all shifty and quiet because I have no idea WHY I don't have a boyfriend, I just don't.

it stresses me out too. Because I would love to date, one day get married and of course I wonder, "why DON'T I have a boyfriend? Maybe it's because i live in Thailand? Maybe it's because i'm not friendly enough when I meet people? Maybe it's because I always have a book with me at coffee shops? Maybe it's because I bite my nails? Maybe it's because of my posture? Maybe it's because i'm a missionary and that's weird? Or maybe that work takes up a lot of my time?"
I get so confused and anxious.
There is sooo much advice that everyone loves to give, "You should wear your hair down more!" Or "you should wear your hair UP" or "you should go to bars more often" or you should wear makeup or you should NOT wear make up.... aaaahhh

And I never settle on an answer. Although sometimes I settle on PLANS like, "I'm going to stand over there by myself and see if any strangers come and talk to me." Or, "I'm going to paint my nails."

But the truth is I don't know why I don't have a boyfriend. My plans are usually kind of stupid and don't lead to anything. (I know you're thinking, "What?!? your painted nails didn't lead you to a fulfilling marriage?") But what it comes back down to is that God is calling me to follow God...

Trying to make something happen, to be this beautiful SuperGirl... well, sigh, I have tried my best.

But.. maybe it's like anything else in this life when we strive for success, perfection and our own salvation of sorts and end up frustrated. What kind of a mockery does that make of our servant Lord, who forsook all of his heavenly glory to come and be a part of this messy earth... to put his fingers in a deaf man's ears so he would hear, to speak gently to a bleeding woman, to gather children on his lap, to suffer on the cross only so he could rise and again and cook some breakfast for his dearest friends and bless them into service... This is real beauty and when I think of Jesus I feel so humbled.

So grateful that I get to follow Him in any possible way that I can, even if it cuts down on my dating options. and who knows if it really even does, what the heck do I know, I can't figure this thing out. !

Pants-lex

2010-09-21T02:39:00.001-07:00

(the title of this blog post was created + requested by Michelle Kao)
(ALSO:: WARNING::: readers beware, especially readers who don't like to read about how gross I am otherwise known as Mom!)

I bought some new pants last week. I have had so many problems with pants:

1) When I first moved here I was a little rounder than I am now (I call it the Diarrhea Diet! *not recommended*) so after a couple months, the only pants that fit me were a spare pair I found in a mothball filled box left by a previous missionary. So my pants became Jen's Pants (she was planning a visit back here to see friends and collect her old stuff and I was like... "noooooooo!!! my only pants!!!" the "my" part being figurative.) So when I went back to America I bought 2 pairs of jeans... BUT... read on.

2) No less than THREE pairs of pants that I own (and I don't own that many pairs of pants) are ripped in... well lets just say if pants CAME ripped in this place they would be sold in a certain kind of store that I would not go to.

3) Ants. I don't know why they love living in my clothes, but I am not kidding you, my legs look like they have chicken pox from all the bites. At home I groaned, "My pants are an ant farm!" and then michelle starting singing that statement to the tune of "your body is a wonderland" by john mayer. which is both disgusting and true. :-( :-( :-(

4) In a possibly related complaint, I cannot go a single day without spilling food on my pants at least once. Which makes for a lot of LAUNDRY, which I am not willing to do every day, so

I needed more pants. Luckily, I found an American-owned store (right sizes for my American bod!) that is going out of business so I got jeans on clearance. what a relief!
thanks for listening friends.

2010-09-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

i started a new diet last week.
It's called "Eat Like a Normal Person".
A few of the first steps:
eat only ONE cup of yogurt per day, instead of like, 4.
Stop eating "Sun Bites" (The Thai version of Sun Chips, with more msg) every single day... cut back to maybe every other day?
If you're hungry after dinner, have a snack instead of an entire second meal

Etc.

It's been mixed results so far....

What makes a difference?

2010-09-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've seen and noticed makes a big difference in people's lives:

1) The Gospel. nothing comes close. When someone is really touched by and believes in and sees a God who loves them-- they are never the same again.

2) Love. Which really does translate, no matter who you are and really can change things. Think back to when you were in school... if you had one teacher who actually loved and cared about you, even if it was 6 hrs a day, 5 days a week, 9 months of one single year in your whole life, didn't it make a huge difference?

other things.. sturdy houses, scholarships, business training, job creation, leadership development, improved infrastructure, loans, land rights, community unification..

All of these development plans and project are beautiful. But once you know and live among the people they affect, you: 1) thank God for all these different programs-- Thailand has a lot of them, and our foundation participate in several of these... all of them except infrastructure at some point--- 2) see how incredibly incomplete they are. Some examples:

~ A scholarship student drops out to sell meth. She comes from a family who has taken her to work as a child prostitute in the past... lacking love, what difference has a scholarship made? Now she's in jail.

~ A poor family loves their new house that they partnered together with volunteers and neighbors to build. However things got worse before they got better: the father continued in his alcoholic spiral until he went into shock. HIs loving family's response and prayers woke him up to reality and now he's stopped drinking. And in the new house, free of dust and mold, his wife's health has greatly improved as well.

~ P Gaew, our awesome foundation president, has offered quality business training and a seemingly no-fail microloan project (including mentoring, accountability groups, weekly checkins....) Which (surprise) failed! It failed to transform anyone's life and business practices- those who were struggling already defaulted and did not use the money how they intended, and those who were already up-standing businesspeople were able to use the loans well. The only story of transformation was that of woman who, through God's miraculous healing of her grand-daughter, came to believe in the Gospel. God changed her life, her outlook, her business practices, her relationships with her neighbors... Not only did her business grow and succeed, but she has an unshakable hope and joy.

~ Ae, my roommate until recently, who I've written about before, has taken part of none of these official programs, although all of us in the church have chipped in- Meh Duk and her son helped fix up Ae's house with wood that Pi Ra donated, Jin and Michelle and I helped with start-up money for her business, Pi Gaew and other neighbors have helped Ae find a job, etc, etc.
But the main, real, lasting difference in her life is Jesus. No one recognizes her from the girl she was last year. She is loving, she is warm, she is happy, she is hopeful, she is an eager learner, she participates in responsible society. She... shines.

I guess what I'm saying is that development theory is fascinating to me, but it's constantly changing and constantly challenged. And it's confusing to know what the role of the American is in development programs... Changes in infrastructure create the most deep & lasting change, but that has to come from the local government. So what is the role of the foreign development worker? "Are we doing more harm than good?" seems to be the running question.

for me, I want to keep my eyes open and keep learning current theory. I like being involved in this kind of stuff, and want to do it well! But by the grace of God, all the time, in any age, I can love my neighbors and I can share the Gospel. Not just here but anywhere...

This call is a gift God's given us that really doesn't change.

decisions decisions

2010-09-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well the Lord gives and the Lord takes away... and you never know when the Lord will give again, but you know He will!
May's sister, my age, recently moved in with her boyfriend, living in a factory dormitory at the company where they both work... She just couldn't stop thinking about her siblings and couldn't stop crying after she left them after the funeral.... She begged her boyfriend and her dorm supervisor to allow both May and Doi to come live with her. After a week she called me to let me know she wanted to come pick up both of the kids and bring them to live with her.
She really loves them so this is a great situation for the kids to be together and with family. The sister is very nervous and told me she knows that life is going to change so much and she just doesn't know how to raise kids... I'm praying for both her and her boyfriend.
So May and all her clothes and stuff left on Tuesday night... She and Doi will come stay with us next weekend, and from then on maybe once a month or so?? we'll figure it all out as we go along.
***************************************************************************************
But life is so unexpected. Wednesday morning michelle and I marvelled that it will only be the two of us for the first time since last September. WEIRD!!! Exciting-- we can make sushi, watch a movie in English, hang out! But God, what a blessing for us to have the roommates that we have had, to be stretched in this way, to now have this extended family and these loving relationships, to have grown in our faith and service. Both of us thought, wow, we'd definitely be open to having people live with us again.
The same night I went home and Ba Pawn told me, "Lexie! Grandma Pan has been waiting outside your house for three hours... she wants to stay there."
As I walked over to this sweet, blind, slow-walking woman, other neighbors came to tell me, "Oh her daughter doesn't want to take care of her anymore. She said its better if Grandma Pan lives with you and Michelle."
I thought, "ohhhhhhhh HECK no. We are not like, the doorstep where you can leave your dependents if you don't feel like taking care of them anymore."
I was mad. I know this daughter, a middle-aged friend of ours, and I know she has the means to take care of her mom.
But as I sat down and talked to Grandma Pan I started to feel really sad. She's so sweet. "I walked here by myself. I knocked on your door but no one was home. I didn't know anybody else around here. They gave me noodles to eat, and water..."
I thought, "How could her family not love her and want to care for her?" It would be no problem to just open up our door, bring down an extra mat and extra fan, and allow her to stay the night or several nights. We've done it before, and it's no extra work.

Hard to know what to do in this situation. Take in an unloved lady and allow our neighbors to shirk their responsibility? Or escort her back to her home to a place where she can sleep and eat but not maybe not be treated like the precious person that she is? What is best long term in our community?

What would you do?

a lot to lose

2010-09-08T02:50:00.000-07:00

My friend's mom, a single mother of four, raised her kids in the inner city and poor. Yet she would regularly invite homeless strangers in to spend the night on the couch, a dry place to sleep. What a challenge. Will I ever have such a heart? Thinking about how it's hard to love and respond to God's challenges... because we really have a lot to lose in this life... either way:

~ your own space
~ sleep
~ leisure time
~ your own language
~ your preferred style of dress
~ your preferred style of leadership
~ your things
~ physical energy
~ youth and physical beauty
~ social freedom
~ money
~ your food
>>>>>>>>>>
~ purpose
~ excitement
~ real beauty
~ unexpected friends
~ love
~ ultimate security
~ your real self that God made you to be.. that you would be if you kept holding on to all the things around you.
~ your truth revealed through shake-ups and letting everything else fall away
~ a glimpse of God Himself

May

2010-09-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

I guess everyone who reads this blog knows that I love May, a girl in my neighborhood who has been a close friend and constant presence at mealtimes, churchtimes, walking around the neighborhood times, any times.... She'll be twelve this year. A year and a half ago I blogged about saying goodbye to her mother, who passed away of liver disease.

Six days ago, May's father unexpectedly died while she and her brother Doi were at school. Lote had been drinking the night before and didn't eat breakfast... nothing unusual but this day was just the one day that his tiny body couldn't take it anymore.

The next few days were a whirlwind for the family-- two step-daughters (May's older half-sisters) who live in factory apartments in another part of Bangkok swooped to sort through clothes, put together the funeral, arrange for care for the kids. The funeral started the next day, all the family members scrambling for clean black clothes to wear for the next three days.

Monday, the culmination of the funeral, I just couldn't keep it together. i cried all morning at the office. I started praying if there was any possibility that May could stay with us... I know it's not good for a kid to be separated from her family. But what if it was only till the end of the school term (one month)? Then she could stay around her friends, her neighborhood, her family here, her school, her church.... I couldn't tell whether my concern was more for her for me, I would miss her just so much.

But I'd never want to split her up from her brother. I know honestly Michelle and I couldn't handle caring for him, although we love him, so if there wasn't already a family in our same neighborhood offering to care for him, I wouldn't feel right about saying anything...

That night, after the funeral, I knew the plan was to send the kids to a different province, 3 hours away, to live with an aunt I'd never met. I rushed to pack an overnight bag and went over to see if I could ride the bus with them, go along to send them to their new home and give my phone number to their new guardian.

But when I asked May's half-sister when the kids were leaving she said, "Oh it's just going to be May. Doi is going to stay here with Uncle Yang (who lives right near our house)."
Uncle Yang walked in at that moment, as may was packing her back-pack, and explained how he could take in Doi but it was just too much to take in May, too. They'd have to send her away.
I looked at Michelle. We consulted with each other for maybe 3 minutes and turned back to the relatives. "I want to ask... if it's not too much trouble... would it be possible for May to say with us? Just until the end of the term? If you think it's good for her. Of course it's the family's decision."
...........................

So May is staying with us, for at least a month. I love having her. I was so relieved and joyful after this happened. I felt like, you know when you feel really sore and tired and you do some stretches or yoga and your chest expands, your heart gets bigger? That's what it felt like.
There are a million questions. What does she need? When we do treat May and when do we say no? How independent is she? How can we keep up good relationships with her family here in the neighborhood? What happens after this month? If we go out, can we take her along? How will she do around English-speaking friends? How do I need to change my schedule?
Yesterday she was sick. We went to work anyway, after setting her up by the TV with a fan and sports drinks and stomach medicine. Ba Jaew came over later in the morning with fever medicine. Jin came by just to check and see how she's doing. There's so much more HELP and safety nets in a communal society and since we love May so much it doesn't feel like a sacrifice... it feels like God's gift... but it's also feels like totally uncharted territory, we really don't know what we're doing here!

my hobbies: a survey

2010-08-26T00:16:00.000-07:00

When I moved overseas to work here, i got lots of advice to FIND HOBBIES in order to stay sane... since my whole life and work are so intermingled, it has been refreshing and life-giving. There are some old favorites: writing, chatting, drinking coffee, jogging, ballet

these last couple weeks i am trying out some new stuff too. Here's my review:

1) Reading history. I'm usually an ordinary novel reader but I've been getting really into this book about wartime development efforts in Iraq and finished a book about Cicero too, smattered with referencing books about Thai history and the king; fascinating. This is a whole new world of leisure reading for me and I LIKE IT. Hobby rating: ***** (love it! stimulating and restful at the same time)

2) Motorcycle riding. My fearless roommate bought a motorcycle from a neighbor to help her out and so me, Michelle, and Jin have all been practicing for our licenses. THIS is terrifying to me. Yet, I know it will be great benefit to me and others if I succeed. When I practice, I enjoy it, although my shoulders are so tense and tight they're practically in my ears as I grip the handlebars, so I am sore afterwards JUST from nervousness. I have a long, slow road ahead of me so wish me luck. Hobby rating: *** (fun but requires effort and a little stressful and scary)

3) Learning Chinese. I downloaded some podcasts and I am practicing while I jog. I don't know when I will use this skill but I've wanted to do it for a while and it's really fun! Hobby rating: **** (yeah!)

4) Salsa dancing. I started going with buddies Jin, Waat, and Jen to this club with no cover charge and a free lesson. Which is cool! And nice to have a place to wear a dress. But. Eh. I can't really dance well. Dance clubs aren't really my favorite way of meeting people, or hanging out with those I already know, but it's kinda fun ** (still fun but I wouldn't go but on a Saturday night i'd choose a history book or a chinese lesson most days....)

The conclusion: I am a big dork.

2010-08-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

My dear roomie, A, and her baby daughter E, moved out of our bedroom into their own newly furbished garage 2 weeks ago. I miss them (they're only a 5 minute walk away) and yet at the same time I'm relieved to have some space for myself. I can't stop marvelling over what a blessing they both are, and how exhausted I became after being in their lives and caring for them over the last several months.

I read this:
1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to [a] those he loves.
3 Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

It's Psalm 127, one I've read many a time. But after my stint in caring for a teenager and a baby, I felt like a mother for the first time in my life (not a real mother, just a temporary auntie type figure. but kind of a mother). And I realized a connection between the first and second themes of the song because of this: children ARE an incredible blessing, yet they make you SO TIRED. They exhaust you. When you're caring for children, at any age, a disciple Jesus has to just trust her own needs into God's hands and believe that, at some point, He will grant you sleep. Even if it's not today. His tender care will come.

The thing is, this Psalm extends not just to parents of children but to everybody here in the church. We ourselves, this family of God-- we are what God delights in building up, building together, watching over. We ARE the house and the city of this song. He loves to take care of us. Part of how he does that is asking us to love and take care of each other.
But we EXHAUST each other... Will we believe really that our exhausting friends truly are a blessing? And join God's work in building/watching over this beautiful family? Letting the Lord above take care of us and grant us sleep in his own time, in god's own way as we love this tiring family of ours?

thoughts about how it's really mysterious to be satisfied and still be hungry?

2010-08-19T21:23:00.000-07:00

"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All whom the Father gives to me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."

Anyone who has experienced God's love knows how good filling, invigorating, moving.... there really are no words for a heart basking open in God's love. Even a glimmer of God's love is an "aha! I've found it!" moment, enough for you to say, "I will never go hungry again."

But as we know, we do go hungry. Again and again in this world we are in want. (what happened to "God is my shepherd, I shall not be in want?") Why?

We are these people Jesus is talking to. We have tasted "the bread of life" and it HAS filled us. But our belief is still incomplete. We have seen God-- but still, admit it, we do not believe with our whole selves. But we since by God's grace we've tasted/seen this ultimately satisfying one, we want more and more, we keep coming back to him.

We keep coming to him more and more and Jesus receives us: "All whom the Father gives me will come to me and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."

2010-08-19T04:04:00.000-07:00

When I first got here, when I would see old white guys with young sexy Thai women, I would feel so grossed out and pray in my head real quick for God to end prostitution in Thailand.

But now, when I see a couple like that together, I pray for God to bless them with real love for each other. Because sometimes, prostitues and johns end up in marriages, and marriages end up in families, and families end up in something really beautiful. God is really someone who redeems.

So, I still pray that God would end prostitution in Thailand. but also that in the meantime people would end up loving each other well.

Jesus is the Ultimate Wesley

2010-08-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Metaphor is a funny thing- a comparison is enough to gut-punch you or move you to tears but also leave you disappointed in the end because it's always incomplete.

Not so with God. As I was reading the other day, when it comes to God-- the metaphor itself is the shadow, not the awesome God it describes. God isn't like a parent, He IS the ultimate father, all other fathers and mothers are only able to love their kids because they are reflecting God. God isn't like a lover, He is the ultimate lover. Jesus isn't "like a friend" to us, he is the true friend from whom all other friends shadow.

So, although it seems silly, I want to talk about metaphors. What about this one: the captive princess waiting for the one she loves. Anybody remember Princess Bride? How Buttercup hasn't seen Wesley for years, how everyone keeps telling her he is dead, killed by the Dread Pirate Roberts, or evil, or doesn't care for her anymore, and she just refuses to believe it?
It's a common story and the captor usually is keeping the princess in some kind of dungeon or uncomfortable place with a horrible wedding to him-(remember the weird demon played by Tim Curry in Legend?) And he tells her all kinds of lies of why her prince/her Wesley/her Tom Cruise (also in legend) will never ever come for her:
1) He is too weak!
2) He's already dead.
3) He's lost interest in you.
4) He's not who he says he is, he never loved you to begin with, he was just tricking you.

But any truly heroic princess refuses to believe it. She'll fight back, spit in his face, yell at her gross fiance and stick to her guns: He loves me, he's coming back, he'll be victorious, and we're going to have a great future together.

TAKE THAT Tim Curry!!!

the hazards of "sorry"

2010-08-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

At my old job I tried everything to make it fun for me, listening to stand-up comedians as I filed expenses, etc. Which led to a lot of mistakes since my priority was my enjoyment over efficiency... But my boss was great, and I kept getting affirmed and promoted. Which had the surprising affect of making me WORK HARDER, and better, and with more integrity.
My roommate at the time, an insightful (and multi-talented) lady, wasn't surprised. "Doesn't the Bible say, "It's kindness that leads us to repentence?'"
It does.

Repentance, revelation of sin-- these are Big Things and best entrusted to someone who embodies love itself (God!) Conviction particularly is a real spiritual thing, otherwise known as "having an epiphany", having your soul laid bare. This is the work of a holy ghost-- the spirit of the living God, who we can ask to search our hearts any time.

So here's my confession: I have been an over-apologizer. I have apologized just for the sake of making people feel better. I have apologized for the sake of ending an argument. I have even apologized for things that I haven't done. I thought saying "I'm sorry" was easy, harmless, and worst of all--- I thought it kept me on the safe side, spiritually.

I have been in spiritual contexts where whoever is leading the prayer asks everybody to confess... and I DID it even when I wasn't guilty of the same sin, just, well, better to be safe than sorry I guess. I wanted to be sure.

Smart right?

So wrong.
1) Damaging to my soul and sense of self. When I over-apologize I start feeling like a loser and stop telling the truth about who I am, who others are, what the situation is. Which dishonors me, my friends and GOD.

2) The idea of making myself "spiritually safe" is such an f*ed up idea of who God is, what love is, what Jesus has done for me. God is a loving and tender God who takes my spiritual safety as His own responsibility. Trying to write extra rule, play it safe, sprint to keep ahead of righteousness without depending on God's grace alone is... well it's usurping the place of God's grace. I ignore the presence and the beauty of God's grace here and now, and I also ignore any ways God would be trying to interact with/relate to me.

3) I miss out on the beauty of actual conviction! If I nervously apologize for everything, I miss out on the beauty of simply waiting, quietly, peacefully and inviting a holy epiphany.

I don't want to close my eyes to the Lord's kindness-- kindness that's deep and strong enough to point the way to repentance.

books i loved since coming to Thailand

2010-08-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

After This, by Alice McDermott. This is a book I brought with me from on the plane first moving here, my dad bought if for me in D.C. I was stunned by how lovely it was. It's a simple story of a family growing up together, and the little incidents that shape us.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in Nighttime, by Mark Haddon. Michelle got me this last year for my birthday. So creative and delightful, a canine murder mystery through the eyes of an autistic teenager. You are so proud of him and moved by the end.

American Wife, by Curtis Sittenfield. I found this book at a hotel's "leave one take one" novel bin. It's a fictionalized autobiography of Laura Bush. In the last year, I have quoted it more than any other novel, it's thought-provoking!

Tears of the Giraffe, by Alexander McCall Smith. The second in the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency series, which my mom got for me. He captured the voice, values, and rhythmic logic of Botswana and it made me think differently about how I tell my stories here from Thailand.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. I'm reading this now, I bought it last week.. it's about a kid searching for the story behind a key he found in his late father's box. It's very quirky and lovingly written. I even admire the dedication, to author Nicole Kraus (who I also like), his wife: "To Nicole, my idea of beautiful." Sweet, huh?

I wrote this post because my aunt Dawnie just sent me a gift card for a KINDLE!!! I'm so excited so i'm dreaming about books. Any recommendations?

2010-07-29T02:52:00.001-07:00

I remember your cross in the middle of this city, because I failed to love Bangkok itself for what it is. And you didn't...
I remember your cross in black shimmering canals. I remember your cross as the green gleaming trees overhang under shadows of skyrise malls and rusted tin rooves, the dtaka courts and the steaming gopkao restaurants which line the canal. I remember your cross among the snotty kids and the put-together young women and the sleeping cats and mottled dogs and beaming middle-aged ladies and friendly men. I remember your cross among fat old white men and African footballers. I remember your cross among the prostitues waiting on stools under Christmas lights. I remember your cross admidst mincing ladyboys. Among apathetic teenagers. I remember your cross as stressed out parents, their mind on their money, scream and wave knives at their kids. I remember your cross when I just want to be alone and cannot in this crowded city. I remember your cross when I realize I AM alone and suddenly scared.
I remember your cross when I think of how confident I used to be (how proud?).
I think of your cross Lord and your suffering and your love for me and your PLAN when my mind tries to figure everything out and it just stops short.
Well anyway, I think of your cross and just come back to your cross.
You really love us.

impressive

2010-07-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

A little boy named Earth stopped me to ask about Jesus.

E- Are you really close with Jesus?
L- Yeah, he's my God, my friend, my teacher...
E- Have you ever seen Him?
L- No, he's a spirit. Like the wind, you can't see it, but you know it's there. Sometimes I hear his voice.
E- What does he say?
L- Things like, 'I love you.' You know, he loves us because he made us. He made everything: you, me, the world, the ocean, the flowers...
E- The trees?
L- Yeah, the trees too!
E- Jesus is really clever, huh? (I nod.) You know... I have heard his voice too. He said, "I love all Thai people."
L- That sounds like something Jesus would say.
E- And I've seen him too.
L- Oh really?
E- Yes! (Eyes deadlocked to see my reaction) He was wearing... a hat!
And he had a looong nose.
And loooong sideburns.
And a robe.
....
And he gave me an apple!! And at first I thought it was fake!!! But then I ate it. And it was sweet.

2010-07-09T00:26:00.000-07:00

Biu, short for "Beautiful", died last month. She was 2 years old.
Biu was a fighter. She was an exceptionally strong baby. as she was growing in her mom's womb she endured her mom's excessive drinking and her dad's punches to the belly... and came out so much stronger than anyone expected. She was born over 2 months early, but she only had to stay in the hospital three days because she was so strong.
She had curly hair and a funny, puckered face, wide eyes and a wide mouth.
Her dad loved her so much. She really was the apple of his eye. His first baby, his only baby-- He was so proud of her.
Her mom loved her too. She dropped into despair during her pregnancy because she wanted so badly to stop drinking, to sacrifice alcohol for Biu's sake and just was having such a hard time. In fact, that's what drove her to seek out God-- this desire (and inability) to sacrifice for her baby. She heard the gospel because of Biu, really, and she really responded.
Biu's mom prayed so much with her and for her, and many other people in Thailand and in America were praying for baby Biu.
Her mom said about her often, "She's really God's child". And Biu's strength attested to that.

the solace of watching Hachi with friends

2010-07-05T20:55:00.001-07:00

Years ago, I read a novel recommended by my mom called The Solace of Leaving Early. The book was great, a love story about a prickly academic returning to her hometown, struggling with new and old connections.

But what I REALLY loved was the title. What an eloquent description of this breath of air you get by cutting out early, removing yourself, freeing from regular social constraints, etc.

I love leaving early. I guess everybody knows that if you've ever worked with me. I like to leave meetings for loong "bathroom" breaks. In the bathroom I'll just stare at myself in the mirror or stretch or something. Or skip out to buy a snack. In seminars, I like to just skip a session or half a session just for thrill of playing hooky, not to do anything in particular.

Maybe it's genetic? For decades, my grandfather has left church immediately after communion (before the closing hymn and benediction), every single week.

Is there solace in leaving early? It sure feels freeing. Like you can do what you want, you're independent, no one else controls your time or you, you are an individual, you don't need anyone else, you don't need the group....

or do you?

Maybe the real solace is in staying. Last week, I tried this out. I really wanted to leave my team meeting early but I decided to stay. Saturday my roommates were going to this free salsa dancing class, but I wanted to do my own thing. But I decided to go. And then Sunday night after church, everybody started watching the movie "Hachi"-- Sunday night starts my day off and so I always leave after house church... but I decided to stay till the movie was over.

Not surprisingly (but surprising to me!) this week I felt more supported by my housemates and house church than I have at any other time. I love to leave early, but the truth is that I need them. I need people to lean on. And if the cost of being a part of it is the little taste of freedom I get from cutting out early, maybe i'ts worth it. Maybe there's something more valuable and even more free in just sticking around.

feelin' kinda jewish

2010-06-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

From my conversations with a few Jewish friends and reading Jewish lit, the relationship between God and humanity that sometimes emerges is a picture of a little, teeeeeeeeny tiny little man angrily shaking and beating his fists against a gigantic, omnipotent God. Who simply shrugs His Shoulders. "I AM who I AM," He answers. "I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy."

Years ago when a devout Jewish friend and I studied scriptures together, she expressed a wary suspicion at a lovey-dovey, so-close-to-us, vulnerable, in-human-flesh Jesus-- How could this guy be capital G God? Expressing that in the Jewish understanding of Holiness (something that is Good and Will Be whether you agree or not!)-- there's no use for this kind of tender and self-sacrifical God, it's contradictory.

I never really understood that viewpoint. however, the last few days God has put me in situations where I am face to face with friends who are confessing Such Evil Stuff that they have done that my stomach literally turned. There's no one that would look at what they did and not feel like that... I mean... we're talking total lack of respect for humanity.

And I don't want to be around it. In one woman's situation-- God has given her a completely new life. He just keeps blessing her and blessing her, unequivocally, unquestionably. At first I thought it was so beautiful but now I hear what she's done I think, Is it? Is it beautiful? She doesn't deserve this !

And in one man's situation I found myself talking to him, ministering to him, asking him to repent in really specific ways that he seemed so eager to do, expressing God's grace in the midst of repentance... he said, "Thank you so much for talking to me about this. Most people would just move on because it's uncomfortable." And afterwards I just thought, Wow, I did NOT want to talk to him, in fact, I don't want to see him ever again after what he's done so why is it that God still loves him?

I don't understand God. Whether I think his grace is beautiful or not really doesn't matter, He will have compassion on whoever he wants. And he asks us to forgive too... this is a tough, tough call. Joining the company of God means joining the company of murderers (hello, Moses!), sexually selfish people (the story of David and Bathsheeba ring a bell?) these are our family. Is this a beautiful thing or not?

But I know I can't live for a second with out the mercy God's had on ME. Also, I know enough about God that I want God to teach me more, so ... I guess.... I'd like to learn about how to have this kind of grace for others too, even though I'm not sure what I *think* about it. I accept that God's wiser than me... and more concerned about Justice too. And somehow BOTH the "I Am who I Am" gigantic omnipotent Decider AND the loving, coming-down-to-Earth to sacrifice and serve us Lord. Who is this God?

verse of the day

2010-06-17T03:01:00.000-07:00

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

"what is an average day for you?" ..continued

2010-06-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

I posted about my weekend below. Here are some glimpses into weekdays (the Thurs and Friday before last weekend) to assuage the questions of the curious.

Thursday:
6:30 am Decide to skip our regular prayer walk and exercise instead.
9 am Write up and submit my homework for the online course I'm taking, "Community-Based Mapping" from the Institute for Sustainable Development at Colorado State.
10 am Together with 3 others, plan how to run the "House Church Leaders Training" meeting next week-- we're focusing on evangelism and intercession for our church since many people have been coming to faith, but many older leaders are falling away due to money issues (theft, disagreements about budget, feeling cheated or overlooked, or just really poor and have to leave the city).
1 pm Meet with Jin, Gaew, and Michelle to discuss: Ae and Duk's business development, how to encourage the members of our house church, how to partner with other community leaders in developing a plan for the new youth center space
5 pm- Meet with a group of 15 youth: young adults, teenagers, and kids, to evaluate and improve the weekly "Buddy Run" they started... We discuss nametags- Were last weeks itchy? Fundraising-- How do we use the money neighbors gave us? Thank-yous for donated snacks, to race or be non-competitive? prizes or no?
8 pm- Chat with my roommates, read my book about trusting God.

Friday:
8 - jog one mile, to the lake and back.
9 - Meet with Jin and M on how to deal with a case of child endangerment that has fallen into our laps. This feels like our millionth meeting but we finally (praise God!) settle on a plan that feels active, feasible, and right.
11- Lunch with a former leader of our church... She hasn't been coming since January... about the same time her family started crumbling. Asking, "What is God doing?"
1- Meet with teammates from another slum to hear how their community organizing (for trash collection) is going, and to share advice with each other and offer an outside perspective.
3- Settle a disagreement with Michelle... working together on so much leads to a lot of misunderstanding!
4- Sit down with Ae to discuss her business plans, budget, and schedule
5:30- Prayer walk around the community
6:30- Buy papaya salad with May
7- House church prayer meeting/meal in our home with Meh Duk, Ae, Jin, Michelle, Bui, Pong, Mint, Si, May, and the little kids. In the middle Duk's relative calls to tell her that her step-father just died. She'll have to go home for the funeral.
9 Waas walks in the door, having just come from her uncles house. He is a gambling addict who has destroyed relationships in his extended family with debt. However, she was reading a book on grace and was convicted by God's heart of forgiveness-- so she decided that day to go visit this relative who she's held a grudge against for so long! It's really beautiful so we talk for a while...
11-- still talking to roomies... I love living in this place.

2010-06-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

Can I trust God with my dreams?

I've learned so far to trust him with my work, my finances (sort of), my family (hard!), my social life

But can I trust him with these dreams that are dear and secret and treasured in my heart? Not knowing what the outcome will be?

weekend sched... for the curious

2010-06-15T00:04:00.001-07:00

Saturday (Over 90 degrees all day, 50% humidity)
5:30- Bucket shower. Make coffee. Ae’s baby, Earn, wakes up so I give her a shower too.
6:00- A group of 25 teenagers, kids, and adults gathers for a youth-organized “Buddy Run” around the community. This week it’s my responsibility to record laps in a notebook so we can see who runs the most!
7:30- Sell food from Ba Jaew’s cart while she is at home preparing breakfast to donate to the youth.
8:30- Gather laundry, towels, and sheets in two overflowing baskets. Lug them around the three spots in the slum where there are coin-washers, searching in vain for an available machine.
9:00- Pi Noi, a mushroom farmer, arrives for a consultation. Ae, Gaew, and I escort her to Ae’s shed to see if it could be turned into a mushroom farm that Ae could run. Ae takes diligent notes and afterwards, we walk Noi back to her car, where she gives us a gift—a bag of mushrooms!!
10:30- After I finally put the clothes in the wash, Ae and I take the bus to the Bangkapi market to buy linoleum and curtains for the new youth center opening tomorrow. We also buy lice shampoo for an un-named someone (not me).
12:00- Back home find out we bought the wrong linoleum--- which means we have to lug the heavy roll all the way through the slum and back to Bangkapi! I tear up in despair as I push through Waat’s still-damp clothes from yesterday to search for free spots to hang up the clothes from the washers.
12:45- Michelle and I go back to Bangkapi to buy the RIGHT linoleum. I complain a lot.
2:00- Back home, I take a long walk in search of food and a little alone time. I bring grilled chicken and papaya salad back and eat together with Waat. After cleaning up a little, I take a nap.
5:00- Go to the gym! Feels so good to jog in front of an air conditioner. I love it.
7:15- Back in the community, I attend the monthly community council meeting where we discuss: trash pick-up, draining the canal in anticipation of flood season, and I announce the details of the youth center as well as the “Buddy Run”
8:45- Eat dinner back home and call Lisa to chat.
9:30- Jin rushes in the door carrying a crying baby Earn… Ae walks in a minute later, totally covered in vomit. Oh no!
10:30- After doing dishes, another shower, and some prayer--- BED!

Sunday (still hot…)
6:00- Breakfast and some much-needed prayer time.
7:30- Go to the food market with Waat and Ae. I boss Ae around a little cause I feel impatient. Then my spirits are cheered by an old man who compliments me gratuitously and then says, “By the way, the price is 200 baht per compliment.”
9:00- Return with 40 lbs of food for our party this evening—the opening of the new youth center. After putting groceries in the fridge, go with Ae to find someone to help us cook (the main cook in our church is unexpectedly away at a funeral). Bui agrees to help.This is wehre I lose track of time…
Clean up a little in the youth center, hang curtains.
Cut eggplants.
Buy lime leaves from a fainting woman.
Eat lunch.
Feed baby Earn.
Back at home, take a group of seven boys to fill up water bottles; punish them for swearing.
Look after Bui’s kids, both toddlers. Slap the San Di’s tiny little hand because he threw his plastic toy at the two 11 year old girls who are helping us cook.
Take the girls who are helping us took to buy cokes as a “thank you”
Give Earn a bath after she pees on herself.
Put San Rak and San Di down for a nap, unsuccessfully.
Mop up red soda that was spilled.
Fill up more water bottles at the new youth center.
Back at home, throw trash away. Earn is still not feeling well, so I just rock her.
Eat a snack. Take a nap. Take a shower.
Go to the party! Welcome the council members, neighbors, and kids who have come. It’s a great mix of playing games and casual conversation. It goes really well.
Afterwards, we clean the center and cart the stuff back to our house.
Back home, we eat fruit and popcorn, chat, and listen to music. Wind down, pray, and… sleep. Feels so sweet.

Usefulness V.S.... the gospel

2010-06-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Our house is pink and made of concrete. It's extremely hot inside, and its heavy mosquito season so 5 of us are sleeping in the one room that has window screens-- our room is now one long row of 2" thick floor mats pushed against each other so 5 girls can sleep in the same room, three rotating fans at our feet trying their best to keep us cool. Sunday night I dropped onto my pillow like it was the welcoming arms of God, the best sensation ever.. I was so exhausted I didn't care about the ants creeping up the wall 1" from my face... I was just thrilled at my luck being able to sleep!

How can I describe the importance of Housework in a woman's life in a Thai slum? You must be ambitious. You must be strong. You must be skilled. You must persevere. You must keep your eyes open. You must be efficient and quick. You must sweat and put in long, long hours. You must pay attention to what everyone else is doing and be sure not to rest when others are still working. You must keep your eyes open and find something to keep your hands busy and contribute.

The sad truth is: I'm terrible at housework. My previous life did not prepare me for this one bit. I don't know how to clean or cook; I need to be taught. Also I am slow. I am easily tired. My language is still coming along, so I get confused at instructions.

Some days I feel so shocked at my incompetence. I don't even know how to fry an egg!
This devastation at my own incompetence is a symptom of something more sinister... I felt ruined after the youth-organizing meeting on Thursday when Jin said (after I led my portion not-so-smoothly) "Wow, you must be tired, you're forgetting your language!" But the truth is I WASN'T tired, my language just isn't to the point where I can lead meetings articulately.

This heavy hearted outcry, "God, why did you even call me here?? I can't DO this!" it masks something awful... something that is threatening to muffle out the truly beautiful light of the Gospel. And what's horrible is that it's contagious:

USEFULNESS. Frenetic, tyrannical usefulness.

What I mean is this drive to be useful, to be helpful, to have other people value your work, to make a contribution, to do something valuable, to make an impact, to see fruit of your labor, etc..

And it's wicked. It belies the truth of the Gospel. The Gospel-- free grace, that God loves us and blesses us with freedom because that's what God's heart is for us NOT because of what we do-- THAT Gospel is what's really beautiful. That Gospel is what brings light into our community, not my good works. Paul writes to the Galatians (another group, along with the woman of my house, who are frantically trying to do as many good works as they can even if they are exhausted)- "I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be through the law (doing lots of good work), CHRIST DIED FOR NOTHING!"

God forbid. Yesterday I read this thought in a book (Beautiful Things Happen when a Woman Trusts God), "God is more interested in what he's doing in you than through you."

Lord is that true?

2010-04-29T20:36:00.001-07:00

the first week back in bangkok... how its been

2010-04-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

Our electricity is flickering on and off, sparks flying out of the fuse box. The downstairs sink won't respond to the faucet, is gushing water and we can't turn it off. The bathroom smells weird nothing is where I left it. Where do we keep the rubber bands? the scissors? the tissue?
Two younger women and a baby moved in while I was gone and they all want to talk and play late at night... I'm tired and I am forgetting my Thai language... they are teasing me playfully about my big nose, my big belly but this late at night I am just grumpy and don't think it's funny.
In the morning I think about "serving"... "Serving God" today, what does that mean? There are all these responsibilities in the morning-- babysit from 6-8am, call over the landlord, disinfect the bathroom. Is that serving God if I don't choose it? If I do "choose" to serve what does that mean and how can I do this with joy?
___

Then I remember I think of, my mind flutters over to that ancient prayer, which I pray quickly, "Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner". First its a plea and then there's joy as I clean the bathroom because (even though right now my grouchiness evidences the trap of self-absorption) the Lord died, actually died and lost his life to set me free from all this stuff~ so there is proof that God loves to give me mercy.
I'm really really really loving God's mercy. If there's one thing I can think about and talk about for the rest of my life it would be this: God's mercy.

I really want to express this to my neighbors. I'm glad God taught me so much about the power of the cross when I was home because now i want to share it. I want to tell everybody-- "Stop trying to earn your peace of mind!!! You can't do it. God wants to give it to you for free and he sacrificed to do it ~!" It just seems like the best news and I want everyone to know it.
__

Coming back to this place after many months away, my spirit remembers things like... "Wow, God, you were so close to me these last 2 1/2 years. You taught me about your heart. You taught me about your faithfulness. You taught me humility. You taught me joy. You taught me service. But
I went home and You taught me to lean on you and not people. Right?"
So coming back again I am shamed by remembering how much of my life here I was primarily focused on getting to like me. A huge percentage of time with my neighbors was spent striving to be adorable!!
But oh my God, Jesus died for us-- for me, for them! How can I express the grace and majesty of the cross? How can I tell and live out this story?

Begging you for mercy...

2010-04-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

There's one request that seems to always, always lead to deep peace: begging for God's mercy. I'm talking about my own experience, but here are a few stories in the Bible, and one ancient tale. (Click the quoted passage for the rest of the story)
Case 1
46Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging. 47When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Case 2
The tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

Case 3
There's a story of a 18th century Russian wandering peasant, who is searching for a way to obey God completely. A monk takes him in for a few days and teaches him this prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me."

Why is it that begging for God's mercy always results in peace?

Letting God be God.

2010-04-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

I was walking with a friend and she worried out loud about someone close to her who seems... far from God.
She asked, "How does it happen? How can you bring someone close to God?"
I was about to open my mouth and spill out helpful tips when she answered her own question,
"I guess the answer is that God brings someone close to God."

2010-04-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

What makes a leader?
I've been thinking recently about two different models:
1. Leader as facilitator:
The training I received for my current work focuses on serving a community by allowing THEM to determine their own agenda: identify their own problems, set their own priorities, agree together on a solution, etc.
It's especially crucial working in a foreign context, but any context really-- there's an aspect of humility and listening-- if those fall away, you become a dictator and the program you set up will be centered around you-- meaning that it will crumble after you leave.
That's why the process of health care reform rested uneasy with me. It seemed that for all Obama's talk about non-partisan resolutions, compromise, etc (And this is my own political party, I won't address the Republican behavior cause, well, I guess that's up to Republicans)... when it came down to it, the Democrats forced this through despite a lack of public support.

And I just felt weird. and I'm one who WANTED health care reform to pass, I'm in FAVOR of it, and that's one reason why I liked Obama so much. But I felt very uncomfortable about an elected representative... (many of them, in fact) well, they weren't representing the people.
BUT I think I'm changing my mind...

2. Leader as visionary
Leaders who go down in history as Great Men and Women are those who pursue their convictions against the sway of public opinion or obstacles. Considering the story of Jesus's death this weekend, we look back and feel sorry for Pilates inability to stick to guns. He gives into the crowd and that's where he fails. Another member of the council, however, Joseph, "who had not consented to their decision and action" was the one to retrieve Jesus's body and give him a proper burial. We all know he did the right thing because he followed his conscience rather than the opinions of the crowds whom he was supposed to be representing. There's a good man.

Leadership I guess has to be a combination of the two... allowing the vision to be shaped and informed by the community, but at the end of the day, letting your deepest convictions (God) shape your policy. ??

I'm thinking about all this because I head back to Bangkok next weekend.. and I really want to be a good leader. I'm someone whose moments of clear vision are few and far between, but I do want to serve my community the best that I can.

social awkwardness 101

2010-03-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Picture this:
you're at a party.
Talking, laughing, enjoying food and drinks. Everyone is swapping hilarious stories, one after the other, and the topic turns familiar. A story pops into your head, along the same lines, so when space opens up you volunteer...

"A friend of mine, in my community....." but then everyone's face starts to change. The laughter dies down. You realize quickly, "Oh crap, I totally under-estimated how intense and sad this story is." Because you LIVE IN A SLUM. Many of your stories are not party-appropriate! Many are, but honey, you made the wrong call with this one.
You wish you could back out but you already started the story!! Nooooo!!! So you have to keep going, only now, no one has any other stories to offer and the conversation can go nowhere. AND, everyone is feeling vaguely guilty.

.... oops.

This is a picture of me at my parents' Christmas party:

"squirrel recipe"

2010-01-29T06:33:00.000-08:00

I googled these words yesterday.

My dad is taking me small game hunting in the snow tomorrow. I asked for him to teach me, since it's a big part of his life.

I found out I'm a little near-sighted, but my new glasses came in yesterday and today is the day I will get my hunting license. A little target shooting practice this afternoon, re-learning how to handle a .22 (Dad took me to shoot cans when I was a kid but I hated it and was terrible. Hopefully with the help of age, and glasses I'll improve?) Anyways, we'll see tomorrow!

I anticipate feeling weird about shooting something and just leaving it there, which is why I found this top-rated marinade. If I am successful, we will be making a few adaptations because my mom said I am not allowed to cook a squirrel in her house. So we will be grilling it outside with this delicious sounding sauce.

Wish me luck!!

2010-01-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

This morning I checked my email and facebook, and as I was snooping on my friends I started to make a thousand little judgements "I don't know if that's a good career move for him.." "Why did she post THAT" etc, etc. Starting to feel superior, sorry for my friends that they didn't have all my insight and wisdom.

Then I walked out into the kitchen and my dad had left the gospel station on the radio. This lady sang, "He will wipe away every tear."

And I was just struck by God's grace. what am I doing playing judge in the face of this great grace, that I've been shown, that God's called me to minister to others? He's so gracious to us.

2010-01-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

The taxi driver asked me if I believed in God.
He asked me if I believed in Jesus.
He told me he loved Jesus.
“But,” he said, “I can’t be a Christian.”
He told me how he loves to read the Bible.
But in two years, he hasn’t gone to church.
“I have two families,” he told me.
“My pastor told me I had to choose just one.
I can’t do that to my second wife.”

I can’t even remember what I said.
I didn’t have anything to say.
“You should have invited him to our church!” said P Gaew.
I didn’t even think of that!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Someone asked me,
How can God be good?
And listed all the wrongs he saw.

I don’t know why I believe it but I do.

2010-01-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ba Oui lives across the alley from us. She and her granddaughters sell second-hand clothes at the night market. All of her children are fun, loud, violent, and addicted to something. Our other neighbors, most of them long-time friends of Ba Oui’s, look at her in pity and say, “Not one of her children is good, not one.” We can hear their fights late at night echoing into our own house, Ba Oui trying to talk (yell) some sense into her kids, trying to hold the family together.
Ba Oui’s husband, Lung Pute is a slight man but all muscle—he’s most often seen cleaning off his taxi cab in the center of the community, shirtless, a cigarette hanging from his lips, a grin and a friendly mumbled hello. Each day I greet him and then a few meters later his wife, busy hanging laundry or giving a grandchild a bath.
But this morning as I’m walking to work she grabs my arm and asks me for money.
This has never happened before, not with her. I’ve seen Ba Oui have to ask other neighbors, Thai friends of hers, for loans, but in two years she has never asked her American neighbors. We give her family our leftovers from our Sunday church most weeks because a Thai neighbor suggested it once and Ba Oui has never refused.
I’ve been trying to not give out money as a general rule. But given the level of friendship we have and the kind of person she is, it would have been hard to say “no” had she given me a mundane reason like food or rent or even debt repayment.
But she asked for money to buy a new spirit house. Spirit houses look like elaborate dollhouses, and you will see them outside of every Thai home and business, incense burning and daily offerings laid on the porches. These little homes are dwellings for ghosts, made lovely so that the spirits will make themselves comfortable there rather than coming inside to pester you and your family.
Ba Oui seemed desperate. Her own spirit house had taken a beating in the recent rains and looked pretty worn down. She pointed inside her real house. “Lung Pute is sick. He fainted last night and hasn’t woken up since.” I could hear the alarm in her voice and knew he had only recently recovered from his last hospital stay, where he was in and out of consciousness for several days.
“Just 200 baht,” she begged. “I’ll pay you back on Sunday.” I looked inside at Lung Pute, a strong man lying helpless. Ba Oui looked awful and her eyes were glazed and busy, not able to focus on mine or anything else. Here is a woman doing anything she can to save her husband.
I wanted to give her the money. I wanted to help. Of course I did, these are my neighbors and I love them. But I believe that sacrificing to these ghosts gives them more power than they deserve, and could actually harm Lung Pute if in fact his disease is caused by some kind of spiritual force.
I asked her if I could pray for her husband. She said okay, but what about the money? I told her no and her disappointment, even anger was evident.
I felt awful as I went to get Michelle, praying along the way that God would do some kind of miracle. Did I make the right choice? It felt so theological… academic almost. Was I ignoring the human pain in this situation?
Moments later the two of us knelt beside the family’s only bed where Lung Pute lay unconscious. We prayed fervently as Ba Oui, in her grief and scattered nerves folded her laundry with force. I prayed like this, “God, please, please heal Lung Pute miraculously, today, so that he would be well and Ba Oui would know that you are real.”
We left after a few minutes but I continued to worry and pray throughout the day, hoping for a good report when I got home.
That evening, I found out that Lung Pute woke up about an hour after we left, with no remaining symptoms.
The next day, Ba Oui got a loan from her sister and bought a new spirit house.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

How did the house-building go?

2009-11-01T23:43:00.000-08:00

Just watch.

2009-09-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Lord, your mercy is so tender. It’s not what I can give you but what you can give me that you seek. Asking me just to be still in your presence. Asking nothing else but silence, but clarity, but a stillness and trust before you. I am waiting here. I am sitting at your doorstep Lord. What is it that you ask of us but to be still for a moment and let you fill us?
But to seek your grace and your tender leading moment by moment…

What kind of path is this Lord? It’s confusing and as we walk along sometimes we wonder, when was it that I last saw a trail marker?
Am I even on a path or just wandering through the brush? And then i think of our warm home, with bathrooms and water and food and comfortable chairs and think—why did I ever leave at all?

But then I see (and my heart surges), another florescent slash on a tree, so I can know--- yeah, this is it.
______________________________________________________________________
Your eyes are big and clear Lord. You see. For sure, you see.

Last Thursday, Ba Jaew asked, “Will God see us or not?”
The same day, I told Jin, I feel like God sees your mom. And she asked, sharply, “How?”

Your forearms are strong and sweating, thick curling hair, your muscle straining, blistered red from the sun, from work, from carrying your own children, two or three or four at a time.

San Rak and San Di run to me and stop, waiting to be picked up both at the same time, smiling expectantly.

Your cross is heavy and splintered, damp with your sweat, warm, poking and scratching into your back. The nails in your hands are cool and dry and long.

… Thinking about you in those last days of your life, giving all these instructions to your friends: Don’t trust just anyone, take this along with you, pray like this, wait wait don’t forget this, oh he loves us so much.

And when I was going through the gospel of John and all of a sudden here, barely halfway through, here is Palm Sunday already and I think, “No Jesus, don’t go so soon, don’t leave us…!” It struck me as so tragic on that day. And then Jesus spends so much time just talking and making sure everyone remembers how surely God is with us, how he’s coming back for us, how we’ll be fine in spite of all the trouble, and how he, like my own excited mom and dad back in Pennsylvania, is eagerly preparing and waiting for us to come home again finally!

Ba Rin

2009-09-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all who've been praying for Jin and Pawn's mom-- she has an infected gallbladder. She's still in the hospital but I'm so glad they were able to come to a diagnosis so fast!

2009-09-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking myself about the need to give God control.

Especially in my neighborhood. I've been researching, meeting with consultants, making plans rapid-fire in the areas of child-protection. In the passion and energy of the moment, I've gotten carried away-- impatiently thinking about the next step onto the next, pridefully cutting off other people's voices and questions for the sake of "efficiency", and have been so excited about the possibilities for our community that it's been hard to sleep!

Basically, I haven't quieted my mind enough to to others or to God.

Yesterday I read this verse: "The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught."- Isaiah 50:4

The key to sustaining the weary in our world, in my slum, is listening. So here's me waiting on you, Lord. I pray that I'll be open to other people's voices as well.
___________________________________________________________________________________

For praying friends: Jin and Pawn's mother went into the hospital last night.

Jin and Pawn were sitting on the floor of my house when they got the call. We prayed together for God to heal Ba Rin. Jin-- so worried about her mom, who hasn't been able to eat in several days-- prayed fervently that her mother would live to be well and be able to hear and receive the Good News of Jesus.

Jin and Pawn have been following Jesus for years. It's moving to see how deeply they want for their parents to know this God whose love is so great. God sees their hearts. God hasn't stopped seeking to show his love to Ba Rin either.

update

2009-09-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

1) Praise God, our church was serious and repentant in looking over the financial mismanagement in a day-long meeting on Saturday. The process is not over, but this is a first step.

2) Next weekend, we're having a community-wide meeting to discuss child protection in our slum. Now we only want to share our concerns, generate passion, and get ideas on the table. Please pray for the inviting, the attendance, actual passion, and wisdom in facilitating this meeting.

3) We're building a house!! Check out this video -- if you're in Thailand, come join us.

realizing an enemy

2009-09-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote that "something, anything, would be better than the nothing of the past"-- to protect the children of our slum against abuse, neglect, even death (see post below).

Upon further reflection, I don't know if that's true. The ideas I posted and have tossed around in my mind- awareness campaign, parenting classes, parent-child bonding activities (that's the one we've actually been working on)--- all of these are good starts but.

BUT.

None of them will actually have any lasting effect unless we deal with One Key Problem. I don't know why I didn't realize it before, but now as I look back over the last few years, in nearly every single instance of abandonment and scary physical abuse, there is one common underlying thread. If we topple this, could we topple other problems too like dominoes?

The issue is meth. Am starting to wake up and realize our own community is the horrific Iowa town detailed in this book In the last month alone (these are just things that have affected people I personally know in our slum, I'm sure there are more among more secretive circles): a baby was blinded, another baby was killed, two adults and one teenager were shot, three parents of young kids were put in jail (where they are unable to care for their kids)-- all stemming from meth use and sale. In just one month. Our community is not that big, only 2,500. Children, even ones with great character and potential, are paid as runners. It is ravaging our community.

Starting to realize that no community improvement effort will be able to take root unless we have it in mind to tackle this giant as well. Although, it's very dangerous. No one will talk about it unless they are 1) far outside of the community (which is where I found out about several neighbors who deal) 2) whispering in a boarded up house (which is where michelle found out about even MORE neighbors who deal). We are scared to take this issue on.

I have been scared too, and don't exactly know how to start. The town in Iowa turned it around through a concerted and community-wide effort. So, please pray for our community that we would see together all the destruction that meth has wreaked-- I mean no one sees it as a good influence, even those who sell, but it's quick and easy money; it's also a cheap and energizing way to get high and work long hours. Pray that we would start the discussion of how to take up arms against this enemy of ours. Here's hoping that God will lead us into war.

2009-09-10T21:08:00.001-07:00

"So many kids in our community are lacking love. That's what they need."-- Gaew, the community preschool teacher

We-- the missionaries, the church members, our neighbors, nearly everyone-- are worried about the kids in our neighborhood. Everyone sees kids without supervision, without opportunity, everyone sees the road ahead for them...

Tuesday night, a 3 month old baby was found dead in the swamp of our community. His neck had been broken. He is the first child of a young couple, "J" and "K". No arrests have been made.

The community is reeling. Every day since Tuesday, as I walk through the community every conversation I walk past, every conversation I'm in turns to the story of this young baby's horrible death. People are furious.

How can we respond?
There are grief and tears and silence. And anger too.

And after the news sinking in.. how can we look at each other and say, "This will never happen here again."
Please, please pray, that the grief over this child's death won't just pass us by and we will get tired, distracted to some other thing.
Please pray that outrage will not fade, but turn into real action.

Who knows what form that action will take-- a baby play group in the community, parenting classes, an ad campaign for "Don't Abuse your Infant", a community watch for child abuse, any of these things, all of these things... SOMETHING, anything is better than the nothing of the past.

Please pray that we can do this together, as a community, that it won't just be another outside service coming in but a problem we have seen in ourselves and decided to do something about.
Please pray for me, and my co-laborers in the church and neighbors in the community, that we won't get tired or lazy but press on until we see change and see a safe and warm and truly LOVING environment for the children in the slum.

Please pray. If this post made you angry, please turn and spend some time asking God to change things. Lord, have mercy.

The Slowest Motorcycle Ride in the World

2009-09-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a cautious person. Examples: I've never done a cartwheel in my life. I never passed Shark level in swim class cause I refused to try a back dive. (why would you!? you can't see what you're jumping into!) At age 7, my mom FORCED me to learn to ride a bike (Jeb had been riding confidently for 2 years already) and I threw a fit every lesson. "Why do I have to learn?" I would protest, listing off scores of famous people whose accomplishments had nothing to do with bike riding.

Since I moved to Bangkok, one way I have been worshiping God and connecting with the Lord is through creativity. Every time I do something creative, I know that it pleases God, whether it is art or dance or poetry... It comes just from me and it's just for God, and I guess I know that He is honored.

Last week, Lisa and I went to Koh Samet (island not to far from here) for a prayer retreat. As I was there, I felt like God was both calming me and showing me that he's calling me into a season of Risk. The funny thing is, as I thought over the risks I've taken especially in the last few months I got that same sense I do when I worship creatively-- that God is pleased. When I confront someone because it's the right thing to do, when I go to visit someone new in the neighborhood, when I ask a question unsure of how I'll be received, etc, etc... I feel like God is pleased with my risk-taking, regardless of the outcome.

So, while I was at the beach, I decided to put this realization into practice. I saw Thais and tourists zipping around the hilly dirt roads on motorcycles and thought, Gee, I wish I had someone to drive me around on a motorcycle so I could explore. Then the idea slipped into my head, "What if I rented a motorcycle?"
Can I just explain that I have always been scared of motorcycles and it was only out of necessity that I ever got onto the back with someone else driving-- the first several times here I had my eyes squeezed shut and pinching myself trying to think of something else.

But, I wanted to take a risk. I found a shop in a secluded spot that would rent me a motorcycle for an hour for less than $3 and teach me too. (I had no idea the gas was on the handlebars!) I started up the quiet hill at a snail's pace, stopping and starting. A child on a bicycle zoomed passed me. Mothers strolled their babies passed me. I think every muscle in my body was tense.
Eventually (when I realized there was really no one else on the road) I relaxed and got the hang of it. I rode to a dead end, turned around and rode to the next pier, especially bumpy and pot-hole-y after the rain. At my slooooooow speed and poor coordination, every pot-hole was a huge jolt, so I came back and unsteadily parked.
"You've had enough already?" asked the owner. It had been about 20 minutes. I said yes and handed him the keys, but as i walked back I felt really proud of myself.

2009-08-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

31"To what, then, can I compare the people of this generation? What are they like? 32They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other:
" 'We played the flute for you,
and you did not dance;
we sang a dirge,
and you did not cry.' (Luke 7)

Jesus observes this after he sees that common people are realizing God's way, but the leaders of the God's people "rejected God's purpose for themselves" (v. 30)

There's been reason for great celebration in our community recently:
* Four new believers and a brand new house church in Photong (Sara and Christy's slum). They are filled with joy.
* Increasing sense of family + shared purpose in Samaki Patana. We are walking around the community together, praying with sick neighbors, witnessing together to people who want to know about God, having intentional conversations about problems in our community, planning kids activities... all of this resulting in way more love.

But in the midst of it there's been reason for mourning-
* In our church leadership, there's been dishonesty and misuse of church funds (the donations of the slum-dwellers themselves, not the donations that some of you have been sending in). It's really serious.

God, have mercy.

milestones

2009-08-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

I just finished my last Thai lesson. I was at once so excited, I feel like this is an accomplishment, and sad, because my teacher has meant so much to me. I have never had a teacher like her, who loves me as a whole person and sees her role as something much more than a classroom leader. When my parents were in town, she took them to an island to show them around and, seeing that they were still nervous about having me here, drove an hour out of her way (on the way to another meeting) on their last night-- to give them gifts and reassure them that there are people looking after their daughter. She loves me a lot, and she has certainly been a role model for me, challenging me to be as staunch and hopeful in faith as she is (I don't know if I'm there yet..)
And I also just owe everything to her. I am starting to see why Thai people respect their teachers so much, your debt is never repaid, I couldn't even speak or read or have friend or anything without her guidance! I will never stop thinking of her as my teacher.
This Sunday, I was able to speak at our combined worship service. Below are some of my notes. I'm sure there are misspellings but the truth is the sermon went great and I got a lot of positive feedback -- I would never have been able to do any of this without my beloved teacher.
Thank you, Khru Jum!

2009-08-11T03:44:00.000-07:00

Something weird is happening in our community. There are 10 adult members of our house church and God is giving us all the same passion all at the same time. Every one of us has felt challenged to get OUT of the house and into new relationships, deeper conversations with our neighbors. Talking about what's actually happening in our community, finding out, what are people's ideas? Can we get together and do something about this? ("This" at the moment being the huge number of neglected or at-risk children in our neighborhood)

There is a vague plan we came up with... but when we invited our other neighbors and friends (outside of church) to come help us plan on Saturday night, no one responded. We waited for 20 minutes and no one outside of the church showed up. Yet every church member was there.

The question to us was, "Why?" How can we have more unity with our neighbors? It sparked a conversation that was much deeper, richer, more engaged than anything we could have planned... we were all sitting in a tight circle, knee to knee, every single person engaged, asking serious questions, offering opinions.

How can I describe what it's like to feel like you are a part of something, part of a group that's coming to the same conviction all at the same time...? It's really exciting! Hopeful.

It also feels like our house church is becoming more of a "family"-- going out to eat, sleep-overs, just hanging out together, cleaning up the house or cooking or whatever. Spending our down time with each other.

Which is great because I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with hanging out with everybody even when I'm not 100%-- when I'm tired and cranky and forgetting my Thai language. I still feel accepted and loved and part of the group.

My teammate Lisa came up with the idea of walking around the community and praying early in the morning on Tuesdays. So for the last two months, Lisa, Michelle and I have been doing that... we've invited our Thai house church members but until last week no one responded. Last week, Pawn said she wanted to go, but at night. When we stopped by Duk's house, she wanted to pray too so joined in the walk, and soon, everyone said they wanted to come! After the meeting we had, it was reinforced in all our hearts how crucial prayer is, so tonight we'll all be going out together to pray for God's blessing.

The truth is, God has been answering every prayer. And every single exhausting risk in the last few weeks has been WORTH it. What will happen next?

Hope!!

2009-07-08T02:08:00.000-07:00

Many of you have been praying for our friend May, a little girl with negligent caretakers and learning disabilities who lost her mother this spring. May is thriving. Thanks to God’s grace, your prayers, and the love of many different people in her life, here are some of the ways her life has changed:
• Freedom to play May’s infant niece became May’s responsibility after her mother died in April. Carrying this baby everywhere, especially during her long summer break, was so stressful for May that she took her anger out on the baby by burning her with a mosquito coil. Now, the baby’s mother (May’s older sister) has returned and taken her child back home to live with her, so May is free to be the child she still is.
• Financial stability May’s dad, who got very ill after the death of May’s mom, is now in much more stable health and was able to find work painting houses. Since he still does not have the use of one leg, he can only paint the first story, but it’s such a relief to the family to have an income.
• Beauty May’s teachers and neighbors (including us) have been giving her lessons on personal care: how to brush her teeth and wash her hair. Her father took her to get a haircut, which looks adorable, and she no longer has lice. With some of his new income, May’s father bought new clothes for her that actually fit. She looks great!
• Great teachers On the first day of May’s new school term, my roommate Michelle went with her to introduce herself to the teachers and to ask permission to take May for testing at a child development center. She found out that May’s teachers already knew that her mother had passed away during the break. They had carefully planned out not only special lessons for May, but kept a towel and soap for her in case she came to school in without a bath.
• Integrity Several people have commented on what a good child May has become. She brags often (and loudly), “I used to steal, but now I don’t!” She is eager to help and her spells of happiness last longer and are more stable than ever before.
• Love for Jesus May loves, just loves, hearing about Jesus. She always begs to watch the video we have about His life, and pours over the children’s books we have. She loves praying as well. It’s so clear to see in her life that Jesus really does love and treasure her too.

Another update: Many of you also have prayed for my friend Lat, the new Christian in our community who gave birth to baby Biu last summer. She struggled with her addiction to alcohol and also an abusive husband, and was wavering between leaving him (and moving back up-country) and staying with him for the sake of the baby. Well, her husband Bo was put in jail for the third time in the past year, and this time his boss (the person directly over him in the pyramid of drug trade in our community) refused to bail him out. His term was extended and Lat took the opportunity to take Biu and move up-country. God bless her in her new life up there.

27 and two weeks.

2009-07-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday two weeks ago~ i felt a little bit like the heroine of this story. I had not one, not two, but THREE birthday celebrations and the last one, nearly 60 people came! It was so sweet, everyone dressed up. The people who came from my slum community looked smashing, the ladies in their silk and make-up. I was so overwhelmed, I didn't know who to spend time with. I was touched that many people came out for the purpose of celebrating together.

on my actual birthday, my friend/mentor from college, Anbinh was there. She spent the night at my house the night before. You know, it's such a treat to have a good friend there with you at ANY time, any occasion! I loved it. We ate at Sizzler for the lunch buffet with everyone from the foundation office. Many friends surprised me thoughtful gifts and notes. I felt really loved and even embarrassed by all the attention.

Then, at night, my two dear prayer partners, Pawn and Lay, threw a little dinner party. It was perfect. Lay made dinner and she and her family gave me the following gifts: three tiny ceramic Hello Kitty dolls, one plastic doll dressed up in a fairy ballerina outfit she made herself, a musical snowglobe with a little boy and girl sitting on a swing, and another ceramic doll with real hair in a Victorian style velour dress and hat. She gave me the sweetest card that said, "I really love you. I don't say it very often but I try to show it in the things that I do."

Pawn got me a beautiful pair of sandals because mine were falling apart. I love them. She also made me a two-layer cake, American style (she had to look up how to do it and borrow an oven). She wrote in English, "Happy birthday". It was beautiful!

I love these women.

Once a dad, always a dad, no matter how old your kids get...

2009-07-05T22:20:00.001-07:00

Meh Dtim is one of those old ladies that I see and think, "Dang, I hope I look that good when I'm old" but I know I never will because I don't keep myself up that well now, what are the odds i'll care MORE about my looks as I get old and lazy?

Anyways, she's beautiful. She's old. She's gone almost completely deaf since I've been here. But when she speaks, it's so encouraging. Always.

Last week she went into diabetic shock. She woke in the middle of the night, at 2, feeling very strange... Her daughter didn't take her to the hospital until 8 in the morning. She had to spend three nights in the hospital.

The day she got out, I asked her if she was scared. She said, "You know, I always call God 'Dad'. And I know that my dad loves his child. My dad loves to take care of his child. So I just prayed, 'Dad, please give your child good doctors.' And then I didn't feel scared, because I already asked my dad."

things that money buys

2009-06-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

1. confidence

2. an audience to listen to you talk authoritatively and passionately and at length about things you don't really know about...

On Dating

2009-05-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

This is from a Washington Post series last month: "OnDating: Does Being Smart Make is Harder to Date?"

I laughed sarcastically when I read the title, thinking, gosh how vain it would be to think that but then I read on:

By Ellen McCarthy
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, April 3, 2009

Alex Benzer, a Harvard grad and author of "The Tao of Dating" books, created a stir last month by declaring that the smart people of the world have the toughest time dating.

His reasons make sense: In adolescence, intelligent folks spent more time trying to tick off college application-worth achievements than developing real relationships; they feel entitled to an easy dating life because of all they've achieved; for years they've valued smarts over sexuality; they discount potential candidates for not being up to their brainiac standards; and most damning of all, they over-think everything.

Yikes!

ask jeeves

2009-05-27T00:11:00.000-07:00

1) how do you transform a struggling community into a thriving community?

2) how do you encourage adults to take care of their families when they are struggling to take care of themselves?

3) what the heck am i doing?

somebody come make a blockbuster about my slum

2009-05-21T01:41:00.000-07:00

There's something memorializing a place or a culture in the movies that makes it glamorous. That's why it's so exciting to see your own city on the big screen- "Hey I've been there!" More than that, it's moving to see your own culture or lifestyle, or pieces of it displayed on screen. To have details of your life, familiar smells and sounds or tastes, dangers, comforts, thrills and excitement that you recognize from your experience up there... there's something stirring about it.

Even if the movie itself is supposed to be gritty and not glam, movies aggrandize every day life. It makes these details legandary, something that other people outside of you can picture and even want to be a part of. Picturing the common/everyday beauty and ache of a place that often both makes it universal. And also, like, magical in some way? Seeing it, you feel nostalgia and also that you are a part of something bigger than yourself. you feel this sense of pride even in whatever brokenness that's depicted because it's YOURS!

movies describe and universalize the beauty of your place and when someone from the outside walks in they can immediately recognize it and feel kind of excited-- i felt like this all the time as I drove freeways in LA, remembering and knowing how often this experience was memorialized in the movies, the tall palm trees lining the median, speeding , enjoying the breeze cause the day was crystal clear. I pictured myself in a movie.

Similarly, in Pennsylvania, driving our pick-up through hills lined with dairy farms and cornfields, I pictured myself in a county song and I started to love country music.

So i think this kind of thing works not just with movies but songs, poetry, books, anything!

I've thought so many times here in the slums in bangkok how I wish I could see a coming-of-age stories set here in the slums. To see a pride develop in coming from here and all that that entails. Because there is a unique beauty, thrill, etc to this place and I want to see it celebrated.

A poem about a slow realization on the boat this morning

2009-05-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought
that dog poop smell
was me?

A poem about God

2009-05-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

When all I see is doom and gloom

You don't.

itchy!

2009-05-11T00:03:00.001-07:00

i was bitten by a jellyfish larvae last week at the ocean. The first day it hurt and then it grew into an itchy rash. Of course, mosquito/ant bites are always with me. And in this heat i've been breaking out in heat rash everywhere, hands, stomach.. and in a small splotchy lip-shaped spot on my neck.
My neighbor- "Who bit you?"
Me- "Uh, it's a weather allergy."
My neighbor, smiling sideways all sly- "Ooookaaay..."

lists

2009-05-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Things I thought I was before I came to Thailand:
Smart
Social
Funny
Capable
Well-liked
Disorganized
Klutzy

Things I was really hoping that other people would think of me, both here and in Thailand:
Smart
Social
Funny
Capable
Well-liked

Things that people thought of me when I came to Thailand:
Disorganized
Klutzy

Things about myself that I started to question when I moved to Thailand:
Smart
Social
Funny
Capable
Well-liked

Things about myself that I now think I am:
A child of God

Things that I really hope other people will think of me now:
........

it feels so freeing not to care!!

She's just a kid..

2009-04-30T05:54:00.002-07:00

Sweet May, a constant presence at our house. This is the same girl who used her 10 baht to buy noodles for the church, who adores Jesus yet can’t spell her name, who exudes joy. Do you remember? I want to thank everyone who has been praying especially for May.
In March, May’s mom died of liver disease. We visited her in the hospital before she passed away, which was both tender and heartbreaking. She left behind her husband, Lote, two grown daughters (both working and out of the house), children May (10) and Duy (9), and a grand-daughter “Smoothie” (almost 2) whom she was raising. After she died, the family went to pieces for a little bit.
Lote stopped eating. Already week, he lost the ability to walk or even stand up. May assumed full responsibility for Smoothie. May started asking questions like, “Would you cry if I got hit by a car?” and telling me about the “many, many children” who have died in her school from all kinds of imagined dangers. The day that broke our hearts- for me, beyond what I could have imagined- was the day we found out May had taken some of her grief out on little Smoothie, and intentionally burnt the baby with a mosquito coil.

What a horrible feeling. We love this girl so much. We had no idea how to help her, or her baby niece. That day, Michelle and I had May over for dinner and talked to her about what happened, assuring her of our love and talking through some other ways to express anger. I started looking for child psychiatrists. And we prayed.

A few days later, May told us her dad was getting stronger and could now walk. Michelle went over to visit him and saw that he was cooking food for the whole family. It occurred to me that even though May comes to church every week, we never had formally invited Pi Lote. As soon as I stepped through the gate, Lote greeted me and started to share about his day. He told me about the family’s financial struggles—the four of them live on just $80 a month. He also let me know that Smoothie’s mother had come to visit—and was very angry about the way her baby was being cared for, threatening to take her away. Lote didn’t want that to happen so he told me, “I have to look after her. I thought May could do it, but she’s just a kid.”

Have there ever been sweeter words?

Lote did end up coming to church that week. As we’ve started visiting him, we’re developing a deeper friendship with him and discovering that we really like him! May and Duy are so happy that we’re friends with their dad, and little Smoothie is looking healthier and getting much more consistent care. Also, Michelle has been looking into getting May tested by a university that could help put her in government sponsored classes for learning-disabled kids. We are so hopeful.

"Who are these people?"

2009-04-30T05:54:00.001-07:00

In our “Peace of the Slums” church network, I have two prayer partners—Lay and Pawn. Pawn’s name means “blessing” and they both are blessings to me. Lay is a loud, boisterous worship leader who loves to joke, give gifts, and tell never-ending stories. She is 40ish, married to Dui, with four children (one grown, two teenagers, and a kindergartener). Pawn, a member of our house church, is quiet, smart, and deeply sarcastic. Pawn is married to Moses and has one dangerously cute daughter, Kem. I love spending time with them.

Several weeks ago, Lay called me in tears. She had a particularly bad fight with Dui—things had been rocky for a long time. She asked me to pray for her but told me she was considering divorce. They had been thinking about it for a while, and both had come to the conclusion that it might be better than staying married. At the urging of several friends, they signed up for a weekend retreat for married couples, led by some Thai Christians.

As Lay and Dui were at the retreat, Pawn and Moses were going through troubles of their own. Their marriage had withstood a lot over the years; Moses has only recently come out of a gangster lifestyle. Even with life changes, Pawn was running out of patience. The week before Easter, I saw Pawn in our church office, crying. I asked her what happened and she told me, “Moses and I filed for divorce this morning.”

I was shocked. Divorce is an easy process in Thailand, it only takes a few hours; theirs was already final. No one knew what would happen next. Pawn had signed over custody to Moses. Would he leave? Would he take Kem? Would either be able to stay in the church?

Again, we waited and prayed. Good Friday came and as I walked up to our “last supper” celebration, I was surprised to see Moses sitting in a group and playing with his daughter as they ate. I looked across the room and saw that Pawn was there too. I said a little prayer.

As the night went on we moved upstairs where we watched a film about Jesus’s sacrifice. We had the chance to write our sins down and nail them to a cross. Lay and Dui’s oldest daughter slid down beside me and whispered, “My mom and dad are completely different since they came back from the marriage retreat! They’re so loving to each other and to us. I was like, ‘Who are these people? Where are my mom and dad?’” The change Lay and Dui was so touching that both of their teenagers were convinced that God is really real. They asked their parents if they could be baptized.

The next day, “Holy Saturday”, Pawn came into the church to help set up decorations. She smiled at me and said, “It’s better.” I was confused. What’s better?
She explained that Moses had come to church the night before because of a dream— in the dream he had taken Kem to live in another province and on the way they were in a car accident and died. He wondered if this was a sign from God? So he came. At the Good Friday service, while writing his sins down, he was suddenly overcome with the desire to apologize to his wife and ask for her forgiveness. At the same time, Pawn started to feel ready to forgive her husband. When they returned home, they were reconciled.

So Easter Sunday was so joyful! Both couples shared their stories. Dui asked a friend to read a letter he wrote for Lay, thanking her for all of the years she has stood by him, asking for her forgiveness, and listing all of the things he loves about her. Both Lay and Dui cried as it was read. Next, Pawn and Moses shared their story, ending in an impromptu kiss (Pawn was embarrassed). Then Pawn sang as Moses played the guitar, as a offering to God.

How’s that for “new life” on Easter Sunday?

the Rabbit and the Star

2009-04-30T02:14:00.001-07:00

Three years ago, when I first visited our ministry here in Thailand, I attended an Isaan-style house church in a slum called Permsup. As I walked through the slum, a skinny lady with penciled in eyebrows and yellowed eyes, reeking of alcohol, grabbed my arm. “Rabbit” spoke to me in English- “Where you go?” I told her I was headed to house church and invited her to come along. Rabbit slurred her interest and followed to worship with us, singing loudly after everyone else had stopped and praying a prayer of “accepting faith.” She was clearly out of it. Did God still hear her prayer?

Last year, when I moved into Samaki Patana, I was surprised to see the same woman! Rabbit had moved and now lives in Samaki Patana. I was glad to see her but haven’t yet developed a deep friendship—she’s drunk nearly every time I see her.

Saturday, as I was washing clothes, Rabbit came up to me, again grabbing my arm. “Lexie, I have business with you.”
There is a Catholic family in our slum. “Star” is the head of the household, a 50ish woman who has a small restaurant in the front of her house. She lives there with her three children, two grandchildren, and her aging mother, Pan.
Ba Pan’s health is bad. Last week she was walking on the far side of the slum, in the steaming sun, without shoes for some reason. She fell and Rabbit saw. Rabbit quickly invited Ba Pan to rest inside of her house and helped her in.
That was on Wednesday.
Saturday had come, and Ba Pan was still resting at Rabbit’s house! Rabbit explained, “Star won’t come to pick her up! I’ve asked and she just says to kick her out—but I can’t do that! Ba Pan is a person, not a dog. Can I bring her here, to your house? You’re Christians, she’s Christian, can you take care of her?” All this while reeking of alcohol.
I was sad and surprised to hear what Star had said about her mother. But the next day, Rabbit and I escorted Pan home (in a wheelbarrow!) Pan didn’t want to go, preferring to stay with Rabbit. But Star accepted her back in.
Obviously, this story is not over. We hope to talk to Star to see what her struggles her and how we can help. But who would have thought that Rabbit would be the one to show such sacrifice and concern for a suffering woman?

Summary

2009-04-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

While I don't feel comfortable posting my own opinions on the political situation here, this is a great summary article, and lines up with what I've seen:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7998243.stm

how are you feeling about this blog entry?

2009-04-01T04:14:00.000-07:00

Each member of our team here completed the StrengthsFinder test and Sara led us in a discussion complete with 5 sheets of graphs that she (as someone with a "collecting and archiving information" strength) compiled herself :-) Has anyone done this test? here are my thoughts?

Perhaps it is my "Individualization" strength speaking here but I am a little "hrumph this test is not God of my world" attitude about it at first. Really these kind of career counseling/management kind of tests- including spiritual gifts tests!- are meant to encourage and open up new possibilities, perhaps enlighten someone why a certain thing is not working for them right?
Here are my ISSUES:
-- What if you're strong in something you haven't tried yet?
-- What if you don't consider yourself an X type of person because no one else considers you an X type of person? If a bunch of people tell you "Whoa you're really really X" won't you start to believe it? What if they're wrong?
-- What if you think you're like THIS just because in comparison to everyone else you are, but in a different pool perhaps you wouldn't be like this at all? I feel like this has happened to me; before college I always considered myself an intellectual person who loved to discuss theory, politics, big ideas. When I moved to Claremont and was in a pool of people whose feet just barely grazed the ground, I was frustrated and started to think of myself as non-intellectual, people-loving person more so than an idea person. But what if I still am an idea person, just not in comparison to others?
-- What if you are taught to devalue a certain area of strength and thus don't want to identify with it? I noticed that some people on my team LOOOOOOVED their strengths and some people didn't really like them! Why? Cultural values? For me, I answered also based on what I HOPED to be but later, when I read the "Significance" strength description (someone that longs to be recognized for making a difference) I really identified with it! But since it's something I had hoped would change about myself...

Also, this test really isn't God. Everyone really is unique, we are informed by our experiences, our choices, our circumstances.

Yet... the test was really cool!!!! It was really interesting hearing about other people's and realizing Ooooh!! THAT'S why your reaction is like this xyz. Also realizing possible areas of tension between their strengths (which also talk about preferences) and their circumstances here AND between the preferences expressed in the strengths themselves. Personality is so fascinating, huh?

FYI My top 5: Empathy, Woo, Individualization, Positivity, and Adaptability.

Michelle's top strength is "Ideation". it was her idea that I write this blog entry.

Monday at Lumphini

2009-03-09T20:26:00.001-07:00

The air feels fresh and wet like jumping into a pool and my eyes are salty from sleepiness.
This is Bangkok and I think—I want to raise my children here.
I saw a pigeon rustling brightly in the trees—a huge white and cream wingspan as he struggled.
I saw a ladybug in the grass.
Two birds, strange, striped, throttled a large cry.
I thought of my grandmother and how she in her self-assurance and her thrust-forward verve loved to just be in lovely places like this.
She’d love all these little hopping brown birds beside me.
She loved me so much. I’ll never forget her or stop thanking her for that.
The luck! Of just being here. Not having to produce anything but just be in the presence of my Lord.
As three skinny teenage Muslim girls pointed across the park, one took another’s bag and ran screaming, laughing across the grass. The shy one in the white headdress and navy skirt took a picture.

God in a Catholic church and beyond

2009-03-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

You are an Irish brogue, a broad and calloused old woman’s thumb blessing me—You are the cross drawn firmly across my forehead, blessing me, saying, “May the Lord bless you and keep you, and take good care of you.”

You are the safety and intimacy and sheer joy of revealing myself (my dripping smelly tangled guts) and finding me not rejected but pulled closer- not pushed away but asked, please, let’s talk again soon.

You are the relief of kneeling before shards of colored light, long wooden panels of history.

You are the pure power of a God who expects nothing of us but reverence.

You are a beautiful dance stretching up and out and seen only by You in an empty humid apartment- or on an island crag the ocean lapping below— either way you see and you delight warmly in me.

Saturday

2009-03-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

The baby named Smoothie is asleep in my lap, her hair damp and sticking to my arm. The sun shafting through the taxi window is hot and I try to shield her with a book. Finally it's too hot and I ask Michelle beside me if she could take her. Michelle clucks, "oooo" and as she receives the baby I think she's been waiting for a chance to hold her. She kisses her cheek and Smoothie spreads out her spidery little hands to clutch Michelle's shoulder.

In the passenger seat in front of us, Smoothie's 9 yr old aunt May presses her nose against the window, taking everything in. She is excited. We are on our way to the hospital where her mom is dying- yellow, unable to speak, her stomach bloated and her cheeks tear-streaked. Beside her, Duy, May's scrappy kindergarten-age brother, is slumped fast asleep. Every once in a while, May turns around to grin widely or make googly eyes at Smoothie. She has packed a patchwork elephant hat and a bottle for the baby.

When we get to the hospital, the 5 of us take an elevator to the 8th floor, where intensive care patients sleep 6 to a room. As the elevator doors open on the top floor, we are suprised to see that the visitors benches are filled with our own neighbors, also waiting to see May and Duy's mom. One holds out her arms to Smoothie, and two other women stand up to take May and Duy's hands. They lead us to the room, 822. The women encourage the kids, "She can hear you, go ahead, tell her what you want to say." The two kids just stand there, watching, silent.

Finally Duy calls to her, "Meh!" in his scratchy 5 year old voice. The grown-ups respond, "She heard you, you can talk to her," but he does not have anything else to say.

After a few more minutes we turn to leave. One of the women gives each child 20 baht to buy themselves a treat. We all go to the bathroom to prepare for the long ride back, and then we head home.

2009-03-01T04:01:00.000-08:00

I lost my purse on Friday and then, stressed, I ate too many potato chips. I sat on the couch and considered my life since I moved to Thailand. I was so moved by all I remembered. i pulled out my journal here's what i thought:

"Dear Jesus, even when everything else is going to shit, when I think of you, you are so precious... (then i complain a bit)... Yet Lord, I don't care about any of this when you are so sweet to me. I love you so much. you are generous and God, you are powerful, gently forming Your spirit in me, helping me to think like you and love widely and in richer ways than I would have known. You are forming your son Jesus's heart in me. You are keeping your promises and Lord, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I would gladly, gladly sacrifice more because Lord your presence and your grace and your truth are so dear. Its true- you are my only happiness here. Sometimes I feel you are the only one who sees me. You are my only peace, my only solace.
I would choose this all again. i have been shocked by your faithfulness, shocked by your mercy Lord. thank you thank you thank You that You're with me. This really is the best life ever. I love you Lord."

Movie Reviews!!

2009-02-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

I've seen 4 movies that are currently out in theaters- the tickets cheap, the popcorn salty, the theater nice and cool. But I have to say, I don't know if Oscar is the best movie-going buddy for me. We just seem to be looking for different things.

Defiance- A fascinating true story of Jewish brothers in Nazi-occupied Russia forming an active resistance... but in very different ways. Although the dialogue and editing is heavy handed, the movie raising some thought provoking moral dilemmas I am still pondering. For example, if your goal is building inclusiveness and unity among a group and there is just one person who is bringing your whole group down-- what do you do? And just a great story.

Yes Man- A silly, unbelievable story about a mopey guy who agrees to a self-help program where you say "yes" to everything. ok, cheesy, okay, Zooey Deshanel is playing the same, over-the-top-quirky-cute wild child she always has, some scenes not played as super heartfelt, but overall I thought the story was kind of... adorable. Maybe it was my low expectations, but I was kind of touched, especially seeing how situations he says "yes" too turn out bad at first and he wonders if it was worth it in the first place. But they end up enriching his life in ways he never could have planned. I like it!

Revolutionary Road- Sympathetic story about the inner workings of a married couple as they're falling apart. I left the theater feeling very sorry for the couple, but confused about what they wanted out of life and why they were so agitated. It was heartbreaking to see this couple's disillusionment with themselves and each other, although more heartbreaking was their inability to see anything precious or admirable about the people around them who cared about them. I wondered what the director seemed to be saying about life-- that amiable isolation is the only way to get through it? I guess I wanted this movie to enrich my life somehow and I'm not sure it did.

Benjamin Button- A visually beautiful film with a lot of tender moments and some neat insights into the fleeting nature of our lives. Also, as has been said in many reviews, seeing Brad Pitt age backwards reveals his handsomeness in his prime as though you've never seen him or any handsome man before. it's quite a trick! Cate Blanchett does a great job portraying stages of increasing emotional maturity... but honestly there were quite a few moments I was bored. The times at sea. The montage of Cate and Brad in love. The hummingbird? It really felt like listening to a kind old man recount his interesting life with his old-age insights added... i.e. sometimes you (i) felt like I was staying in my seat out of politeness :-)

impressed.

2009-01-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

my parents have been in town this weekend. It's so awesome to have them here in Thailand! We're staying at a hotel but this morning I took them into the slum community so they could see where I live and meet some neighbors.

I'm so proud of my neighbors. Some of them are truly extraordinary people. My parents were shocked by the poverty in my neighborhood- clapboard houses, bad smells, squat toilets. But in the midst of it here's some of what I've seen:

P. Goi is a 43 year old woman who has been working full time since she was 11. She has raised 5 kids (only her youngest still lives at home) and runs both a convenience store and a restaurant out of house, as well as working as a nanny for a Cambodian child. When my friend Lat ran away, abandoning her baby, P. Goi took baby Biu into her own home to care for her for as long as she needs to.

Ba Bui is a large elderly woman that runs a small tailoring business out of the home she shares with her 13 yr old granddaughter. She's a kind woman, looking after neighborhood cats and setting up chairs outside her house for anyone who would want to come talk to her. She has taken an interest in looking after little May (my very poor 9 year old friend who's parents are pretty absent) Last week I came home to find May's hair shiny and lovely-- more beautiful than I've ever seen it, and lice free. I found out that Ba Bui washed it for her after she saw May with gum in her hair (put there by May's dad as a punishment for May skipping school.. another story!) She cut out the gum and gave her a very thorough hair wash-- something much needed and also really tender.

P. Pen is struggling to pay rent on the house that she shares with her husband, son, sickly mother and teenage brother. But she met a young couple at church who came from up-country to Bangkok to look for work after they found out they were expecting a baby. They had no place to stay so Pen invited them to come home with her to live until they get on their feet. Instead of rent, Pen said they could just cook dinner for everyone. They are only 20 years old and very unaccustomed to city life or, as Pen is learning, to domestic life-- they don't know how to cook at all! Her family has been secretly frying eggs for themselves after dinner every night cause the dinner is either way too sour, way too salty, way too bland... hahaa it's been really funny hearing about it.

Anyway, I'm really proud to introduce my parents to these amazing people.

Wan Dek

2009-01-21T23:39:00.000-08:00

One tradition I think we should copy from Thailand is, in addition to Father's Day and Mother's Day, celebrating CHILDREN'S DAY! It's so fun! The kids put on shows, play games, and everywhere people are giving out ice cream:

I was watching TV the day before and a street reporter was interviewing kids about how they intended to celebrate. Every single one of them said something like, "On Children's Day, I want to be a good child and celebrate by helping my mom clean the house."

yeah right..

2009-01-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

Things change so fast! I can't believe I've been here over a year, and this time next year I'll be in the States... (I plan to return to Thailand in Spring '10) It's 11 months till I go to America for the break, but I already don't want to leave all of these sweet people who I've come to love. For those of you who have been praying for my neighbors, here's an update since my last email:
1. Lat (who left her baby, Beau) came back this weekend! Her husband was put in jail for meth, so she returned to look after the baby. Bo's jail term is only 45 days, so what will happen after that?
2. Pan and Randon, my former housemates, moved away from Bangkok "for good". They say it's for health reasons, others say they're running from debt.
3. Ba Jaew, Michelle's host mother, returned to our community to sell food. Yay!
4. P Pen, my Christian friend, took in a homeless lady after her own son and mother moved upcountry last month.
4. Ba Muuey, the old lady with no teeth I have posted about here before, had a crazy dream. She told me that there was a door, and when she walked through the door she found a room full of blessings and good luck for her. And whenever she walked into the room, both of her hands started bleeding from the palms (like stigmata). It was around the new year that she dreamt this, so she thought it meant a lot of good luck for 2009, she was excited to tell me. I told her, hey, did you know that that dream has special meaning? I told her the story about God's son dying and bleeding from his hands in order to give us a ton of blessings, like his presence and power and love. She was like, "Yes, yes." I asked her if she wanted to know more and she said no. :-)

There's always more happening, and the thing is, I love my neighbors a lot and I don't want to miss any of it. But part of it is motivated by guilt. I feel guilty when I am out of the community or all the time when I feel that I can't love my neighbors enough.

Of course I can't love them enough. That's the whole reason why I'm here -- depending on God's grace. But extra, unnecessary guilt has been creeping up. Why is it so hard to receive grace for sure? God reminds me that He's blessed me before and he wants me to live rooted in that blessing. It's hard to do! I read Psalm 81, here are some excerpts:
"I heard an unknown voice say, 'I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. In your distress you called and I rescued you... If only you would listen to me, Israel! I am the Lord your God who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it. If my people would only listen to me...you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you."
And this one, from Galatians 5:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."

Since I want freedom for my dear neighbors, I hope I can live in it myself, whether I'm with them or not.

PS. My parents are coming to visit on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back in bangkok...

2008-11-07T01:12:00.001-08:00

but so, so proud to be an American.

GObama!

2008-10-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

My dad and I just (finally) put up an Obama sign in our yard, just in time to catch the Friday after-school traffic.

It's such an exciting time to be in America. And I always love coming home to Franklin County, PA, this is an especially thrilling time to be living in the Original Red America. .

I respect McCain supporters like my grandfather, old line Republicans. I respect my fellow young evangelicals who are voting McCain because of pro-life concerns or other deep-seated beliefs.

Here's why I like Obama:
1) He cares about education reform and has a well-researched plan to provide competition for public schools without cutting funding (like vouchers sometimes do)
2) He has a sensible economic plan that will genuinely help lower and middle class Americans, and give tax breaks for those who keep employing Americans rather than outsourcing their jobs.
3) He has a realistic grasp on the crippling state of uninsured or under-insured Americans and a plan to publicize health care.

Those are the biggies for me. Everyone has to decide for themselves. But I have to say, I've been really inspired by some of the conversations I've had in this county. I visited an 80 yr old friend receiving Social security who told me, "I've voted Republican all my life but now our country's in trouble and here's this very young man but he's really making sense!" Today I talked to another woman, living in a $50,000/yr household and her son just got laid off this week. She confessed to me, "Now, I hope this doesn't sound racist but back when I was in school you just didn't think that a black fellow could do something like this. And maybe it's all the history books, but I was for Hillary. But we really need a change. My daughter told me, 'Mom, get with the program!' So Obama's getting my vote, and I sure hope he wins."

Whatever your politics, you've gotta admit that's cool. And really speaks to how extraordinary this campaign is, that it would challenge us to examine our prejudices and choose who we really believe would be the best man for the job.

So much joy in my home...

2008-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

I'm home with my family in Waynesboro this week. They are so happy to see me but I feel a little overshadowed by this guy:

but what the heck. GO LIONS!!!

Beauty

2008-08-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of good-looking people here in Bangkok, men and women. Sometimes I notice and think, "Wow that woman is beautiful." Or, "Dang he's handsome." My opinions aren't really intellectual, just you know, I think those things if someone catches my American-cultured eye.

But as I'm here longer and getting to know the standards of Thai beauty I am thinking, "Wow I bet Thai people think that woman is gorgeous, look how high the bridge of her nose is." Or, "Look at that deep double eye-lid, at that guy's fair skin. I bet he's a catch here." One bonus of these different standards is that people really love my nose which in the U.S. is kind of a schnoz.

Living in a place where beauty is so different from my home culture makes me think, is there like a true standard of physical beauty?

A couple of years ago I went through some serious frustration with my own looks. It lasted a long time and got to the point where many friends were telling me, "I think you're seeing this in a really warped way, Lex..." But I didn't listen.

Then one day I suddenly was convicted-- I had been rejected God's voice and God's truth about my looks, about beauty in general, in favor of cultural standards.

And now that I'm here, I'm seeing again that cultural standards are so slippery, so false. Like if I explain to my neighbors, like I did last night, that in the U.S., golden-brown skin tone is considered pretty, and most white people don't even think about nose-bridge-height when they're judging beauty--- it doesn't have any affect. People laugh and think, "how strange" but it doesn't make them see themselves any differently. They're entrenched in their own culture, like everybody else.

Then I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with my god-daughter, who is 2 in real life but in my dream she was like 13 or 14. She's Filipino and Caucasian- "luk krung" is the Thai term. In my dream we were talking about beauty and I told her, "You know a lot of people think that mixed people are the most beautiful." (this was something I heard a lot in CA, and it's certainly true here where all the celebs are luk krung) And she said, "Really?" leaning in, looking at me intently. And then I back-stepped, even though this was a compliment for her. "It's not true though," i said. "Each person has their own beauty that God gave them. He made each person the way he wanted too."

When I woke up i thought, I wonder why that was important for me to tell my god-daughter? I think it's because my thinking is changing. I used to think it was the most important for women to think that they themselves are beautiful. But now I think it's most important for women to see beauty the way God sees beauty.

I know, I know. "Inner beauty" sounds like a crock. I remember after I met the girlfriend of a boy I had liked, I was complaining to my friend Jason, "She's so beautiful!" and he said, "YOU'RE beautiful, Lex....... on the inside." I whacked him, even though he was just joking.

But if we call ourselves Christian, don't we have to ask God first how he sees beauty? And be willing to let him shape our standards of beauty?

just some thoughts....

In up-coming blogs (or not): Compassionate prayer V.S. productivity; Home alone: pros and cons; Why I love my bicycle.

what kind of evangelist am i????

2008-07-31T02:37:00.000-07:00

My friends Pan and Randon (the people I went up-country with, former housemates) want to be Christians. Last week, they approached our church network president, P. Gaew, and explained that they had talked it over, they want a better life, and they want to become Christians.

Only--- I feel like, "Wait!!!" There is an urge in me to want to stop them, to slow them down.

The same thing happened for me a few weeks ago. Chanin, a neighbor who had been visiting our house church (but usually leaving before the sermon), came with me to a different house church. The hosts asked him if he was a Buddhist and he said, casually, "No, I'm a Christian. Praise Jesus!"

I whipped my head around, shocked, and before the words even entered my brain, they came out of my mouth (in Thai)-- "P. Chanin!!! You can't make up your mind so fast! Changing religions is important, you have to think really hard first!"

My exclamation didn't seem to have much effect on Chanin, who stayed and listened, participating in the service. I don't think he cares that much what I think. But it made me wonder, why did I react like this? Don't I believe Jesus is life and the expression of God's love and character on earth? Don't I hope that my neighbors will see Him and choose to follow him?

YES-- but!!! They don't know what they're getting into!! They don't know how hard it will be, the costs of following God, the absolute life-change they would be choosing if they go this way.

But then I think... did the disciples know what they were getting into? Did I, when I was a kid? Do I even now really know the nuances of God's character, or the troubles/joys that lie ahead?

So is religious choice a blind leap? How much do you count the cost? How much do you encourage others to?

language foibles

2008-07-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

**Note*** This post is not for readers who dislike profane topics!***

It was my friend Fai's birthday this week. Christy and Michelle made adorable treats (chocolate mice and pork bun men, respectively) that everyone in our office ate together. We gave Fai an enormous card shaped like a teddy-bear-with-braces (braces that spell out I LOVE YOU in silver and gemstones). I wrote a message from my heart on the back, in Thai, expressing my love and gratitude for Fai. Here is what I thought I wrote:
"I thank God because you encourage me every day."

Here is what I actually wrote:
"I thank God because you arouse me every day."

OOPS!! My dictionary doesn't account for connotation. Fai was like,"What?" and then she was like, "Realllllllly??" smoothing down her shirt. Oh dear.

The very next morning, I was learning how Chinese pharmacists are called Maw-Dti. My teacher explained Chinese men are called A-Dti and Chinese women A-Muay. She was like, "you should call Michelle 'A-Muay' it's cute!" So, I repeated it after her, making a slight error-- "A-Mway" My teacher started cracking up, turning red, shouting, "No! No! That's not it! That word means... uh.. a man, a woman, sex, here (pulling her hair)..."

I had no idea what she was talking about. I figured, Oh no, I said something really kinky, too kinky for me to even get.

Apparently it means pubic hair. Whoops. I am going to stay away from either word.

I think that... you have a lot of issues.

2008-06-20T03:57:00.000-07:00

This was the feedback a very sweet Korean lady gave me after I described my day last Sunday:
After house church in the downstairs part of our house, I collected the dishes and walked to the kitchen, sweet May at my heels, but that particular morning I was feeling a little testy. I heard a crack of thunder and then the rain started, a downpour, so I knew everyone would be staying longer than expected.

As I rinsed the dishes, May helping, Pi Neung broke out his Phase 10 card deck. Why do they call it phase 10? Because it takes like 10 years to finish one game. Luckily, I missed out on the initial dealing so I was out of the game. When I finished the dishes, i went back to the big room and sat down. I swatted 5 or 6 mosquitos (they looooove our house in rainy season) and started to feel bored watching everyone else play a game. So I decided to go upstairs and clean.

Once I was upstairs, I started moving things out of our bedroom in order to sweep and mop. As I sweated I started to doubt myself. What was I doing upstairs while all these people I loved were playing a game downstairs? Wasn't it sweet that they were taking this chance to bond? Shouldn't I be bonding with them?

So I went back downstairs. I sat for 10 minutes and then started to think, What am I doing. This is pointless. I am just watching people play a game, I'm not bonding. Nobody is paying attention to me, they are just trying to win the game! I'm not being productive. I should be getting something done.

So I went back upstairs. As soon as I started to clean, i thought, "Am I being antisocial? I mean, , this is MY house and I'm not even there with everybody? Are people going to think I can't handle hanging out with Thai people? Are they going to think I'm a bad missionary? Am I a bad missionary?

So I went back downstairs. Same deal. Deciding it really doesn't matter what I do, I went back upstairs. This time, as I was moving our supposedly portable clothes rack, three little girls (who are not allowed upstairs) ran up to "help" me. They grabbed the rack and the entire thing fell apart, rusted metal bars falling everyone, our entire shirt, pants, and hanger collection splaying to the floor. I sighed and the girls looked at the clothes on the floor. Then they said, "We saw some candy in your fridge. Can we have some?"

I went back downstairs with them, gave them some candy and then went back upstairs, annoyed. And feeling annoyed at myself for being annoyed. This back and forth indecision, increasing frustration lasted FIVE HOURS (I told you the game lasts forever) Once it was over and I finished with the chores and the kids left, i went into the bathroom to take a bucket shower and started to cry.

"God, I didn't help anyone today!" I whimpered.

I was frustrated. Then looking back over my day I realized: 1) It really didn't matter that I didn't play the game. I'm already really comfortable with everyone in my house church and vice versa. They know I love them. 2) It also didn't matter if I cleaned or not. There was no urgency. 3) Even though I felt irritated with the kids, I actually didn't say or do anything to express that, I was pretty affectionate. 4) It's really normal to be irritated with kids sometimes, or to feel tired or bored, to not want to play the game.

So if I didn't do anything wrong, why did I get so worked up? Who cares?

Jinock, the Korean lady, after remarking on my plethora of Issues, said, "You know, Satan is going to try to tell you you're a bad missionary. You just have to turn back to him and say" (throwing her arms wide open, leaning forward, "I ALREADY KNOW THAT OKAY, I AM A BAD MISSIONARY."

Then she reassured me (from the Phillipians verse), "Christ can do all things through you. Not perfect you, just regular you."

(a little girl who came over took my camera and snapped this picture of me at the end of the day. if you are looking at any part of this pic and thinking, "ew, is that sweat?" the answer is YES.)

out the window...

2008-06-16T03:52:00.000-07:00

If you read my most recent email update, you read a touching story of May's generosity with her 10 baht coin, how she used what little she had to share with others. It's cool to see what God's doing in her. But in life and especially in an 8 yr. old life-- moments of rock-solid character come and go.

My dear friend Lea sent a box of toys for the kids in my neighborhood to play with, including a special gift for May: a plastic tea set because her special role is helping us with dishes.

Before I gave it to May, I asked if she would share with her brothers and sisters, and her friends. She eagerly nodded yes.

Then, as more and more kids came over to play, May gripped the tea set on her lap, shook her head no at even the meekest offers to look at it, and didn't even open it until she snuck off alone to the kitchen. I scolded her a bit but it was pretty cute:

2008-06-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

You all have heard about the rice shortage in Asia, which is having global reprucussions. Well now, there's a lot of disagreement in the Thai government about what should be done. Other countries are seeing the dissent here as an investment opportunity, seeking to buy land while they can....
This could be dangerous for the Thai economy.
Already, those in the bottom strata-- i.e., my neighbors-- are having a hard time affording food. My Thai teacher, who along with her husband, have been invested for a long time in defending/ caring the poor in Thailand, have a multifaceted dream project, which is starting out with buying a LOT of rice wholesale. They will then distribute it for people in need of supplemental income to resell for a small profit, basically cutting out the middle man (well, they will be the middle man, but it's a volunteer project for them). There are plans to expand if there are donations-- renting a truck to transport the rice, perhaps buying a plot where people can come and farm, a lot of thoughts. She already has an arrangement with the factory owner to sell the rice at basic cost. If you want to hear more, let me know!

there's something about Thailand....

2008-06-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

There's something special about this place. Everyone who's been here says so. I keep looking for it. what is it, what's so unique about this place, why did God call me here?
My Thai teacher was praying last weekend and had a vision of Thailand as a beating heart.

I think I see in part how this is true...
How can I describe why?

* People here think with their hearts and guts first. Anyone who comes here sees this, that's why people love visiting Thailand so much-- it's like a big, smushy, loving, emotional, fun heart. Not that it's all fun. People are driven to the point of suicide (especially among the poor) if they cannot succeed or provide for the ones they love. Relationships, character, success in work, are all evaluated by feelings.
* Thai people really love and take care of each other. For example, any time I have a symptom of any kind, my teacher calls her friend who is a doctor and explains to get his opinion. Even really minor things, like nausea.
* It's like a heart too in that it gives "blood" to the rest of Southeast Asia. It's the only country here that has never been colonized. Over many years Thailand has been a haven offering political refuge, job opportunites, abundant food, peace, freedom. I think God wants to send Thai people to bless other countries-- even more so than now. That's why I came here, to be a part of that in whatever way.
* Thai people acknowledge they are special. There's a fierce sense of independence, a sincere love for Thai culture and unshakable devotion to national identity.

i know there are more ways this place is unique, i'm still looking for them. When I got here, God asked me to stay, and be a part of fighting alongside Thais until they receive all the promises that God has for them. exciting right?

2008-06-01T18:57:00.001-07:00

I haven't talked very much about my teammates here, or on my email updates.

But they are great.

Dave just completed his 5 yr. term in Thailand and is now on a flight back home to the U.S... It was touching to see our Thai friends and neighbors send him off, with a blessing ceremony, multiple parties, tears, gifts. They really love him. I hope i can have such an impact and such a depth of relationship when I leave

Resty just returned from an extended stay in the Philippines, his home country, due to Visa complications. He had to go to Laos last week, also for Visa stuff. He met another Filipino guy over there, who invited Resty to spend the night with him and his Thai wife. Resty said "Sure!" not realizing that the guy meant SLEEP IN THE SAME BED with him and his wife. oh sweet Thai culture It was really awkward for Resty, who curled up on the edge of the mattress and tried to back away when he saw the guy wrapping his leg around his wife in his sleep. heee heee

As for Sara, Christy and Michelle, they're kind of boring, nothing really to say about them.

i can't hear you...

2008-05-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

because my ears are so small.

Here in Thailand, big ears are a sign of wisdom, because Buddha had big ears.

As for me, I'm not so lucky. My eyes are about the same size as my ears.

Today, I got my ears pierced at the mall. They were pierced before: four years ago, my cousin Katie and I got our ears pierced together, also at a mall-- it was a big deal cause both of us had pledged, along with our grandmother, to never pierce our ears. But we changed our minds.

This time, my roomie Michelle and I went together. We're both going to be in weddings in the fall and how else to honor the holy sacrament of marriage, to bless our loved ones into a lifetime commitment, than Sexy Earrings?? I don't know another way.

They don't have piercing guns here, but rather use sterilized needles. This is how it felt: *pinch* slow, slow, slow, slow POP! Then she took out some sterilized fingernail clippers and clipped off the skin she had pushed out throw my earlobe. Disgusting.

But cute starfish, right?

Choose Your Own Adventure

2008-05-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

You're just finishing dinner at home, sprawled on the floor and chatting, when a your teenage neighbor comes to your door. You're always surprised at how teeny she is even now, about 7 months pregnant with her second baby. You invite her in, offer her some food, yet she stays at the doorway. She explains her boyfriend hasn't been able to make money in the city, so he left for the provinces to try to earn something there. For now, she's hard up for cash and has run out of baby formula. Could you give her money for milk?
You say yes, giving her the amount she asks for and trusting that she will use it well. After all, it's milk for a baby! Turn to Chapter 4, "Confused and Worried About Setting up Dependent Relationships."
You say no, offering a plate of food instead. Many neighbors have pressing needs just like this and you don't want to be seen as a neighborhood bank. Turn to Chapter 3, "Confused and Feeling Stingy."
You ask the brand of milk, and offer to buy her a carton at the market tomorrow. You know that this girl has a money-hungry reputation and you don't want her to waste the money on something else. Turn to Chapter 5, "Confused and Feeling Like You are Disempowering People By Making Decisions For Them"
You offer to hire her for a small job in your house: if she does your laundry for one month, you will give her money for the bulk-size box of formula. Turn to Chapter 2, "Confused and Wondering If You Did The Right Thing As You're Wearing Mildew-y Clothes Because She didn't Hang up Your Laundry To Dry Or Fold it Before She Gave it Back."

:-)

My team.

2008-05-07T02:48:00.001-07:00

2008-05-07T02:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, Michelle and I were cutting vegetables on the kitchen floor. Our door was open because it was so hot. All of a sudden, a shriek of joy and little arms around my neck... It was Nong May, overjoyed to see us because we had been gone on a team retreat. She happily sat down and chatted, beaming. Until Michelle asked her how she was doing.
"Khit tung Khun Meh" she said, meaning she is missing or thinking of her mother. She asked us if we had seen her mother that night, which we had. She had greeted us, but seemed to need a minute to recognize us, she was a little bit spaced out.
May explained something, we didn't understand. Her story involved sirens, so perhaps she needed to go to the hospital? It also involved a door with bars and a locked door, so perhaps jail? But we had just seen her mom. May said something about her going back to gambling.
Before we ate, we asked May if we could pray for her mom. She was very exicted about the idea, so we asked what she would like us to pray for. Then michelle prayed, briefly, for her mom and for her. May was staring at michelle with a huge grin on her face the whole time.
Shortly after, we heard some other kids outside. May ran outside and invited them to come in. "You don't have to be shy!" she said, inviting them in. The youngest two went to the other room to play, and May turned to the other boy and said, "They will pray for your parents if you want them too!"
This girl totally has me wrapped around her finger. She is just one of the reasons why, even in the midst of troubling things (that I don't totally understand) I love living in this place.

2008-04-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

Nong May, in the black diamond shirt, waits for us to come home every single day. She loves listening to us talk, helping us wash dishes, visiting friends together.. basically anything we do. We taught English last month and she learned this song. It is totally her jam, even though she's pretty shaky on the words. Watch her freak out in sheer delight at the end of the song.

Attention!

2008-04-23T23:27:00.001-07:00

I started a Flickr site (the first few sets of pics are older, from my first weeks in Thailand).
also, many of the pictures i've posted here are actually my roommates. She took pictures from our last several outings (Songkran, family camp, etc) while I left my camera at home.

complicated woman

2008-04-23T22:27:00.001-07:00

For Songkran, Thailand's biggest holiday, Randon invited us months in advance to come visit her home in northern Thailand. We returned last week from our 5 day stay. and it was... complicated.

Randon was one of the first people to welcome me to Thailand. She is warm, really and hospitable woman with a LOUD laugh, and a flatulence problem that she finds hilarious. She and her husband Pan shared our house for the first month that I lived in Thailand. We have eaten together countless times, she has cooked for me and given me medicine when I've been sick; they've been like family. She's in her forties, childless, poor in Bangkok but pretty normal for life in the provinces.

During our trip to her hometown, Randon woke up around 4 am each morning to start preparing food for us for the day. This is while I slept till 7 or 8 in their only bed. Her hospitality was striking. BUT as we were eating together, several times, she also asked us for large amounts of money. Before we came we had had a conversation about her constant requests, explaining we felt uncomfortable, asking her to stop. But she hasn't.

After eating we would go visit friends and neighbors, go to parties, etc. Fun but...it felt like we were being shown-off. Here is an example from her house: Lexie is lying on a hammock. Randon is sitting on a platform. A truck is coming around the bend, slowly, filled with neighbors. Randon, eyes glued to the truck, points her finger at me and yells, "Lexie! Dance! Get up and dance!" She was using the word for Thai-style dancing, which is fun to see white people attempt, and clearly she had no intention of getting up and dancing too, just wanted me to. I didn't.

Also, Randon's relatives invited us on a waterfall hike. We were excited to go, but Randon had us go on an outing with a professor from her community instead... my guess is because it was for Randon's reputation.

It felt so mixed to be there with her. Full of affection and discomfort at the same time. I was sad we couldn't go with her family. It made me wonder, what is Randon's relationship to her neighbors? To her relatives?

The last day, the truck was packed to go home and it started to rain. Randon grabbed a flowering branch from a plumeria bush and hopped on her motorcycle. "Get on!" she motioned to me and Michelle, "We have to see my dad." I wracked my memory trying to call to mind a face. Had we even met her dad over the last five days? We squished onto the motorcyle (240 kilos on one bike... not meant for that) and the rain whipped dirt on our faces... but we only rode to the end of the lane. Her dad's house was right there. A skinny, shirtless old man was squatting in the front yard, working, covered in tattoos, no teeth. I didn't recognize him. Randon climbed off the motorcycle, crouched down next to him, and bowed, offering the plumeria. She stood up, punched me in the arm, and Michelle and I wai'ed too, saying in unison, "Good luck!" as Randon climbed back on the motorcyle too head home.

Favorites

2008-04-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

My name in Thai:
Lexie
Taxi
Sexy
Si
Michelle

My favorite Thai snacks:
Frog jerky
Peanuts with "chicken flavor"
Fruit
Corn ice cream
Corn in general

Prettiest things I've seen this month:
small mountains behind rice paddies- and there were all these white larks in the fields.. I was running through them on this red clay road and the sky was all cloudy.
lightening
a sunflower park
the ocean
a red flowering tree in my neighborhood
a mirror

HAHAHA