I think that... you have a lot of issues.

This was the feedback a very sweet Korean lady gave me after I described my day last Sunday:
After house church in the downstairs part of our house, I collected the dishes and walked to the kitchen, sweet May at my heels, but that particular morning I was feeling a little testy. I heard a crack of thunder and then the rain started, a downpour, so I knew everyone would be staying longer than expected.

As I rinsed the dishes, May helping, Pi Neung broke out his Phase 10 card deck. Why do they call it phase 10? Because it takes like 10 years to finish one game. Luckily, I missed out on the initial dealing so I was out of the game. When I finished the dishes, i went back to the big room and sat down. I swatted 5 or 6 mosquitos (they looooove our house in rainy season) and started to feel bored watching everyone else play a game. So I decided to go upstairs and clean.

Once I was upstairs, I started moving things out of our bedroom in order to sweep and mop. As I sweated I started to doubt myself. What was I doing upstairs while all these people I loved were playing a game downstairs? Wasn't it sweet that they were taking this chance to bond? Shouldn't I be bonding with them?



So I went back downstairs. I sat for 10 minutes and then started to think, What am I doing. This is pointless. I am just watching people play a game, I'm not bonding. Nobody is paying attention to me, they are just trying to win the game! I'm not being productive. I should be getting something done.

So I went back upstairs. As soon as I started to clean, i thought, "Am I being antisocial? I mean, , this is MY house and I'm not even there with everybody? Are people going to think I can't handle hanging out with Thai people? Are they going to think I'm a bad missionary? Am I a bad missionary?

So I went back downstairs. Same deal. Deciding it really doesn't matter what I do, I went back upstairs. This time, as I was moving our supposedly portable clothes rack, three little girls (who are not allowed upstairs) ran up to "help" me. They grabbed the rack and the entire thing fell apart, rusted metal bars falling everyone, our entire shirt, pants, and hanger collection splaying to the floor. I sighed and the girls looked at the clothes on the floor. Then they said, "We saw some candy in your fridge. Can we have some?"

I went back downstairs with them, gave them some candy and then went back upstairs, annoyed. And feeling annoyed at myself for being annoyed. This back and forth indecision, increasing frustration lasted FIVE HOURS (I told you the game lasts forever) Once it was over and I finished with the chores and the kids left, i went into the bathroom to take a bucket shower and started to cry.

"God, I didn't help anyone today!" I whimpered.

I was frustrated. Then looking back over my day I realized: 1) It really didn't matter that I didn't play the game. I'm already really comfortable with everyone in my house church and vice versa. They know I love them. 2) It also didn't matter if I cleaned or not. There was no urgency. 3) Even though I felt irritated with the kids, I actually didn't say or do anything to express that, I was pretty affectionate. 4) It's really normal to be irritated with kids sometimes, or to feel tired or bored, to not want to play the game.

So if I didn't do anything wrong, why did I get so worked up? Who cares?

Jinock, the Korean lady, after remarking on my plethora of Issues, said, "You know, Satan is going to try to tell you you're a bad missionary. You just have to turn back to him and say" (throwing her arms wide open, leaning forward, "I ALREADY KNOW THAT OKAY, I AM A BAD MISSIONARY."

Then she reassured me (from the Phillipians verse), "Christ can do all things through you. Not perfect you, just regular you."



(a little girl who came over took my camera and snapped this picture of me at the end of the day. if you are looking at any part of this pic and thinking, "ew, is that sweat?" the answer is YES.)

out the window...

If you read my most recent email update, you read a touching story of May's generosity with her 10 baht coin, how she used what little she had to share with others. It's cool to see what God's doing in her. But in life and especially in an 8 yr. old life-- moments of rock-solid character come and go.

My dear friend Lea sent a box of toys for the kids in my neighborhood to play with, including a special gift for May: a plastic tea set because her special role is helping us with dishes.

Before I gave it to May, I asked if she would share with her brothers and sisters, and her friends. She eagerly nodded yes.

Then, as more and more kids came over to play, May gripped the tea set on her lap, shook her head no at even the meekest offers to look at it, and didn't even open it until she snuck off alone to the kitchen. I scolded her a bit but it was pretty cute:

You all have heard about the rice shortage in Asia, which is having global reprucussions. Well now, there's a lot of disagreement in the Thai government about what should be done. Other countries are seeing the dissent here as an investment opportunity, seeking to buy land while they can....
This could be dangerous for the Thai economy.
Already, those in the bottom strata-- i.e., my neighbors-- are having a hard time affording food. My Thai teacher, who along with her husband, have been invested for a long time in defending/ caring the poor in Thailand, have a multifaceted dream project, which is starting out with buying a LOT of rice wholesale. They will then distribute it for people in need of supplemental income to resell for a small profit, basically cutting out the middle man (well, they will be the middle man, but it's a volunteer project for them). There are plans to expand if there are donations-- renting a truck to transport the rice, perhaps buying a plot where people can come and farm, a lot of thoughts. She already has an arrangement with the factory owner to sell the rice at basic cost. If you want to hear more, let me know!

there's something about Thailand....

There's something special about this place. Everyone who's been here says so. I keep looking for it. what is it, what's so unique about this place, why did God call me here?
My Thai teacher was praying last weekend and had a vision of Thailand as a beating heart.

I think I see in part how this is true...
How can I describe why?

* People here think with their hearts and guts first. Anyone who comes here sees this, that's why people love visiting Thailand so much-- it's like a big, smushy, loving, emotional, fun heart. Not that it's all fun. People are driven to the point of suicide (especially among the poor) if they cannot succeed or provide for the ones they love. Relationships, character, success in work, are all evaluated by feelings.
* Thai people really love and take care of each other. For example, any time I have a symptom of any kind, my teacher calls her friend who is a doctor and explains to get his opinion. Even really minor things, like nausea.
* It's like a heart too in that it gives "blood" to the rest of Southeast Asia. It's the only country here that has never been colonized. Over many years Thailand has been a haven offering political refuge, job opportunites, abundant food, peace, freedom. I think God wants to send Thai people to bless other countries-- even more so than now. That's why I came here, to be a part of that in whatever way.
* Thai people acknowledge they are special. There's a fierce sense of independence, a sincere love for Thai culture and unshakable devotion to national identity.


i know there are more ways this place is unique, i'm still looking for them. When I got here, God asked me to stay, and be a part of fighting alongside Thais until they receive all the promises that God has for them. exciting right?

I haven't talked very much about my teammates here, or on my email updates.

But they are great.

Dave just completed his 5 yr. term in Thailand and is now on a flight back home to the U.S... It was touching to see our Thai friends and neighbors send him off, with a blessing ceremony, multiple parties, tears, gifts. They really love him. I hope i can have such an impact and such a depth of relationship when I leave

Resty just returned from an extended stay in the Philippines, his home country, due to Visa complications. He had to go to Laos last week, also for Visa stuff. He met another Filipino guy over there, who invited Resty to spend the night with him and his Thai wife. Resty said "Sure!" not realizing that the guy meant SLEEP IN THE SAME BED with him and his wife. oh sweet Thai culture It was really awkward for Resty, who curled up on the edge of the mattress and tried to back away when he saw the guy wrapping his leg around his wife in his sleep. heee heee


As for Sara, Christy and Michelle, they're kind of boring, nothing really to say about them.